1. elliptical: this is the sean spicer if cardio equipments because it always exaggerates the number of calories burned
  2. rowing machine: this is what guys who look like armie hammer do at the gym
  3. core conditioning: this is where you go when you see pictures of 2002 britney spears
  4. bikes: this is for people who want to burn a marginal number of calories while also scrolling through social media and people who wear khakis to the gym
  5. treadmill: this is for people who want to get sweaty so that when they run into people who say "yeah man i was just at the gym"
  6. kick boxing class: this is for people who have read too many daily mail articles about gigi hadid and gotham gym and feel like they are just four kale salads and three years of exercise away from dating zayn
  7. stair master: this is what i do for exactly 30 seconds the day after i see pictures of beyonce
  8. weight room: this is where you go when you've pinned one of those "how to use squat rack" posts and listen to guys talk about amino acids and protein shakes and tim ferriss
  9. zumba: this is where you go when you want to feel like you have even less body coordination than usual
  10. barre: this is where you go if you want to tell other people about this week's goop email and how much kale smoothies have changed your life
  11. locker room: this is where i stay when i want to claim i went to the gym but am not interested in any form of physical exercise
  12. leg press: this is used exclusively by guys who i can only describe as "the human form of a chainsmokers song"
  13. yoga studio: this is for people who know what chakras are and drink boxed water. also, you must say the word "spiritual journey" and "intention" at least 8 times a day.