INSPIRATION TO STRANGLE MY BOYFRIEND ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

  1. I received a bottle of oaky, french vanilla-y remarkably wonderful and beyond-my-budget bottle of white wine. The scent is so intoxicating that I want to bottle it as perfume and make candles. The flavor so palatable that I wish to keep it in my mouth for hours and replace coconut oil with this wine when oil pulling.
  2. I hid this bottle of white wine in the back of the fridge.
  3. I told my boyfriend, "I love this wine so much. Please do not drink my white wine. It was a gift to me."
  4. I took a special trip to the bodega in Brighton Beach to buy my boyfriend three bottles of amazingly rich, high alcohol (8% plus) imperial and Baltic porters and placed them in the front of our fridge. I told my boyfriend about my gift to him.
  5. I went to Rockaway Beach for my TGIF getaway.
  6. I came home.
  7. My boyfriend's first words were, "I had some of your wine and it gave me a bad headache."(Karma, mother fuckah)
  8. "Why did you drink my wine?!"
  9. "Because I thought you wouldn't notice."
  10. "Why didn't you drink the beer I bought you?"
  11. "Because you would notice."
  12. "Yes! I would notice you enjoyed the beer I actually BOUGHT for you."
  13. "Guess I shouldn't have said anything. Then you wouldn't know."
  14. I see the bottle. I would have known. It's a glass short. I'd rather have the extra glass than his pounding headache karma.
  15. He's drinking his beer while I practice my strangulation technique on a Friday.