THE WORST DATE I'VE EVER BEEN ON 😖

Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. It was a POF meet. He called right away instead of texting.
    Actually now that I think about it texting wasn't really happening back then. I still had a flip phone. And the phone call right away should have been a orange (leading to red) flag.
  2. We chatted.
    He had an insane amount of energy. Like one minute he's talking. Then he's playing his guitar. Then he is talking about ALL THE THINGS. This fun! I thought. I was done with boring guys being all "let's watch tv. I'm bored"
  3. A date was made
    Let's make this legit.
  4. He picked me up in his Neon
    I made sure to get his plate number and gave it too my roommate in case he was a psycho.
  5. He told me I was "hotter" than he envisioned
    This should have been another red flag. But what else was I going to do tonight? I thought I'd ride this out.
  6. He was not what I thought he looked like
    He was small. Like literally. He wore men's size small. That's small.
  7. We went to Starbucks
    Keeping it simple. I didn't want to potentially be out any money.
  8. He talked.
    And told me a lot of things. Things that I think worked on a lot of girls. But I'm not your average "swoon" girl. I started getting red flags popping up all around me.
  9. He told me he was in a band
    And he played guitar. And he wanted to play me songs on his guitar while I fell asleep in his lap and he stroked my hair. Not even physically possible bro and you're creeping me out.
  10. He had a ferret
    This piqued my interest because I have never seen a real ferret and I have a thing for funny looking rodents. All the red flags disappeared because I just wanted to get my hands on this rodent. SPOILER ALERT: when he called the next time for my meet and greet with the ferret, the ferret had been murdered that morning by his dog. The fuck? He was not nearly as devastated as I would have been if my pets engaged in a fight to the death activity. He just kept blabbering on. RED FLAG.
  11. He was a Big Brother
    Charming. But now I'm getting suspicious.
  12. He is in school to be a massage therapist
    And he has promised me on a trip to Toronto to be his "practice person" for his final exams. RED FLAG.
  13. He works at American Eagle
    This is true because I saw him there one day.
  14. He lives with his grandma and makes her blue berry pancakes every Sunday
    Sure ya do, bro. In later conversation he let it slip that he also lived with his mom. Which means he can't afford to live in his own. And I bet his mom makes the pancakes.
  15. Then he started INTERVIEWING me
    How many dates prior have I been on. How many boyfriends had I had. What was my favourite hobby. What kind of meals would I cook for him. What was my best quality? What is my worst quality? I finally said "God. I feel like I'm being interviewed".
  16. This led him to go on and on about how the manager at American Eagle let him interview people
    Eye roll.
  17. He asked me what I would do if a girl who was buying clothes in American Eagle asked him for his number
    I said he should give it to her. And then badger her with all these inane questions
  18. Why I didn't leave, I have no idea.
    Oh right. He drove me and I was too cheap to take a cab. I couldn't really text my roommate to come get me because it would take me an hour with the flip phone.
  19. Then he says "if I had a really hard, stressful day at work - what would you do to make me feel better"
    I think I laughed out loud at this question. He works at American Eagle in the mall. I'm a nurse in an acute care big city hospital. People die on my shift. Peoples' clothes don't fit right in his.
  20. I said "You work at American Eagle. How stressful can that be?"
    Really how stressful could it be. There are days when I dream of a retail job so I don't have to deal with the stress of my patients potentially dying on me.
  21. The date finally ends with a hug.
    Ugh. So glad this is over. But I have a great story for my roommate.
  22. He calls me the next day and says "let just do this and say we are boyfriend and girlfriend.
    Um no. I told him something that was a round about way of saying "this ain't happening". He responds with "okay. Do you hear the Foo Fighters are doing a spring show?"
  23. Years later I run into him and some poor sucker girl who probably fell for his ridiculousness at a theme park. She looked miserable.
    Likely because she was also promised the elusive ferret meet and greet.