THINGS I'VE DONE AT LAX WHILE WAITING FOR A RED EYE FLIGHT

(keep in mind I have a fever and I'm wearing no makeup and it's almost midnight and I already have a deep hatred for airports)
  1. I violently sneezed on an infant
    I got some dirty looks from the parents
  2. I got hit on by a guy asking if I dropped something and him pulling out a condom
    at first I thought it was a packet of herbal tea. that's how out of it I am.
  3. had to repack my luggage in front of a long line of annoyed people because my bag was too heavy
    one of the more stressful situations in my life
  4. mistaken a guy in a red tracksuit for Gordon Ramsay
    probably hallucinating now.
  5. imagined various scenarios in which I am crushed by the wheels of a taxiing airplane
    because I'm pretty sure hell is just one never ending airport terminal