Why my dogs are the biggest assholes I know

I love my dogs but sometimes they are the absolute worst.
  1. They are needy as fuck. This is why I was strictly a cat person for a long time.
  2. They don't let me sleep. Like ever. One is almost as big as me and he steals all the blankets every night. The other one is little but he helps pin me in from the other side.
  3. The little one is mostly a Jack Russell terrier, they're just naturally giant assholes.
  4. The big one refuses to house train. Refuses. I can put him outside for hours at a time and within the first 30 seconds of being back inside he takes a dump in my floor or pisses everywhere. Recently he's decided to turn in circles while pissing everywhere so he leaves a swirly trail. Awesome.
  5. They lull me back to sleep after my kids leave for school and then they tear out the garbage or steal things off the kitchen counters. The big one starts it but the little one leaves a more destructive mess.
  6. They fight. All the time. Sometimes it's play fighting, sometimes they are legitimately trying to kill each other. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate which it is when they first start. A few weeks ago they bruised my entire left side when I was trying to break them after an abnormally brutal 3 days of trying to kill the other one for being alive
  7. One of them is always touching me. Always. It's like having toddlers again.
  8. The big one just farted on me.
  9. Look at that jerk.
  10. That face keeps him alive.