THINGS I'VE DONE WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL

A whole lotta blurred memories
  1. Put a beaded bracelet in my underwear
    This was post-arrest during booking if I'd have to guess
  2. Told friends I've been a vegetarian for months
    I'm not nor have I ever been
  3. Try to befriend an opossum living in my garage
  4. Thrown up on @meg1
    I'm not sorry nor will I ever be
  5. Texted my entire family "He is risen"
    Just super excited about Easter I guess
  6. Exploded my phone
  7. Assaulted a good friend thinking he was making out with a stranger, which, in fact, was his girlfriend
  8. Got kicked out of a bar by 10am
    Thanks St. Patrick's Day 😊
  9. Sent "hi" to my 15 most recent tinder matches
    Seduction is my strong suit
  10. Cried because I got 11 chicken nuggets instead of 10
    I'd do this sober