1. I think of myself as high fashion pizza.
  2. My life is just a string of moments between chicken sandwiches.
  3. You know how dogs brush their teeth by eating a cookie? Can I do that?
  4. I'm gonna breastfeed my kids Pepsi.
  5. My inner strength is fueled by chicken burritos.
    Burritos are cheaper than therapy.
  6. I feel most elegant during a pedicure when they run that cheese grader over my heel.
  7. I have a very cool habit of ending business emails with, "love you!"
    >>>> "Best,"
  8. One year in NYC and I just saw my first big human shit on the subway.
    Knows a milestone when she sees it.
  9. Sorry to feed the stereotypes but... I CANNOT STOP SHOPPING! SHOPPING IS SO FUN! WOMEN BE SHOPPIN!
    Sometimes gender norms feel so good.
  11. My female uber driver has rolled down her window at two stop lights to say, "Hi Chiquita" to two dogs and one baby. AND I AM IN LOVE.
    Respect where respect is due. Pt 1.
  12. SHOW ME THE MONEY. And to me money is pictures of your dogs and babies in costumes. $$$$
    Pt. 2.
  13. Is there a form of body dysmorphia where you look in the mirror and think you're a floral stevie nicks? Cuz I have that.
    🌸🔮🌸 my aesthetic: wishing boot informed by stevie nicks
  14. FAVORITE HOBBY: to jam small garbage inside of bigger garbage.
  15. Just said, "YES, BITCH!" outloud to myself in the mirror. OKKKK?
  16. The best things in life are by the slice.
  17. Just saw a corgi run to scare a bunch of pigeons and now I know what it feels like to be crowned Miss America.