HOW TO READ MORE WHILE TRAVELING AKA HOW TO HAVE A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE IN NEW ZEALAND

This one takes quite a bit of dedication and what-some-might-call-tricky maneuvering, but stick with the journey and I think you'll love the results!!
  1. Travel With A Buddy (Optional but Highly Advised)
    Sometimes travel is best done solo—this is not one of those times.
  2. Eat Some Undercooked Chicken
    Your chances at success will be higher if this occurs in a country such as Nepal, where said chicken sits out in the open street for hours, serving as an hors d'oeuvre of sorts to the local flies. Rock-paper-scissors can be used to decide who takes the bite.
  3. Dehydrate, Dehydrate, Dehydrate
    Time your chicken consumption to be 2-3 days before you are scheduled to leave Nepal. To maximize dehydration, extend your travel so that it takes three days to reach your final destination. Stomach cramps, diarrhea, and vomiting are all signs you are on the right track.
  4. TIP!!!
    It is in your best interest to fly to a country with high-quality, low-cost medical services. I offer New Zealand as a suggestion.
  5. Extra Credit Opportunity
    If you get off the plane feeling shitty, but with a glimpse of recovery on the horizon, you might need a little extra push. Why not pick up your campervan rental straight from the airport and set out on a 6 hour drive across the country? I assure you, you'll be shitting on the side of the road in no time, begging the sheep to put you out of your misery.
  6. Check-In Time
    Once you hit the sweet spot between unbearable pain and constant diarrhea, hobble on over to your local emergency room. While the doctor might have trouble keeping a straight face as you blubber your way through an explanation of the pain, she won't be smiling after your lab results come in—and the winner is...renal failure!!!
  7. An Act of Heroism
    As you lie in your starched hospital bed, dragging your IV to the bathroom every 20 minutes, now is when the heretofore sidekick steps into the spotlight. The still standing partner-in-travel should sneak out ninja style from the isolation room (where you have been put to contain the plague you seem to have brought from Nepal) to "borrow" the 7th Harry Potter from the visitor's lounge. Begin reading aloud. Do not stop until your travel bestie is discharged, approx 3 nights and 4 days later.
  8. Shake It Off
    A week later, you find out it was salmonella. But guess what? You're lying in the back of a campervan in the middle of the South Island splendor, reading the third Harry Potter aloud by headlamp, spinach-green diarrhea a distant memory. Worth it? I'll leave you with the wise words of Albus Dumbledore: "Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak."