Alaska: It's for lovers
people come here and love it. God, or someone willing, bless them. This list is for the rest of us.
- •It's dark most of the yearFor a majority of your year you will wake up, go to work, come home from work, and go to bed when it's dark. Not a little dark, but it's time to go to bed, but oh wait it's only 3pm dark.
- •It's cold most of the yearLike Number 1, but swap dark with cold. You ain't never been cold until you've been Alaska cold. Ever hated life so much you won't leave your car to walk into the building, you know, where you work (same reason you applied and agreed to this job that you don't really like all that much any more because, well, it's God Hate Me cold out)? Welcome to Alaska, the It Hates Me State.
- •MooseHit one with your car. You won't want to, but you will. Call your mom after. Even she will hear you scream expletives and will need an apology/explanation (how much do you love your mother?) Then call your car insurance and explain how you hit a moose, in the dark, driving on ice, but it's not your fault and your rates shouldn't increase. Buena suerte con eso.
- •Ever been to far, far away?Well, you have now. Budget a cool grand to visit your family and friends that promised to, but never will, visit you. They want you to visit them, but they ain't never (never, ever, ever) coming to visit you in Alaska. Even they have assumed you fell off the face of the planet and will some day reappear a la JC (get your Bible)
- •FootballIf you like football, college starts at 8am and the pros fall out of bed at 9am. If you don't like football, you better like hockey. If you don't like hockey or football, you'd better know how to ski, hunt, snowboard or fish. If you don't like hockey, football, snowing, skiing, hunting or fishing, why are you here? Seriously, who are you running from? Your father-in-law was kidding, he's only going to shoot you in the foot. Go back to hell.