HOW TO FALL FOR THE WRONG GUY EVEN IN YOUR DREAMS

This can't be normal...
  1. So I'm in a restaurant in real life last night
  2. Drinking wine and eating pasta with my family
  3. And this big, loud guy literally dressed as Santa says "Folks I've gotta head back to the North Pole"
  4. And it's so awkward and scary.
  5. I never thought Santa was 6'4 and had that voice
  6. Then he sings "I wish you a Merry Christmas"
  7. And sort of flails his hands about to the tune.
  8. What followed is this dream.....
  9. So
  10. I'm walking into my childhood home and it's underwater
    Side note: our house actually flooded yesterday. About 3 inches in various places due to a huge pipe burst. Everything is chaos at home.
  11. When I open the door, 1000 gallons of water pour out and my mother screams at me in Italian to not let the water drain.
    Mom's not Italian
  12. Then all of the sudden like 5 underwater dogs swim up to me and try to escape. Which they successfully do
  13. So I'm forced back onto dry land to chase down these dogs
    We only have 2 dogs and they are strictly loyal to my mom and would never leave
  14. And while I'm chasing them I accidentally join some serious conflict between the owners of my favorite Chinese place and the owners of the Italian restaurant we saw Santa at last night
    Very different people I see why they wouldn't get along
  15. So all of the sudden this little girl with white make up on her face pops up all enthusiastically like:
  16. "Ellen, did you hear that Krampus is coming tonight?"
  17. Bishhhh whaaat
  18. And I'm all like:
  19. "That's not a good thing you need to go hide"
    Plz don't see Krampus but it was also in some ways great
  20. So we are in this huge corridor of what I assume to be a castle
  21. And the lighting is terrible!!
    Like who buys a castle and doesn't put emphasis on the importance of good lighting. Candelabras anyone?
  22. The girl is running off and the big Italian restaurant Santa is chasing her
  23. But they ignore me so i casually keep walking
    I hate this about me but i am not an advocate for anything in my dreams.
  24. But then IRS (Italian restaurant Santa) gets even taller and his face is evil like Krampus, turns around and starts following me
    Have you seen "it follows"? This might a reference to that
  25. And I try to explain to him that I don't have time for this today
    He doesn't care
  26. So he grabs me anyways and throws me in this room full of people from my community college days
  27. Which honestly were the best friends I met in college so that's cool
  28. Except for the one that I hooked up with and never called back.
    Let's call him C
  29. So C (who looks like Cam Newton in this dream) wants an explanation like NOW
    And all these friends stay defending him
  30. And I'm like:
  31. "I fell in love with someone else I'm so sorry"
  32. Which he knows is a lie but then he's like:
  33. "Let's meet him"
  34. And I take them outside of this room and point far off into the corridor like:
  35. "That's him"
  36. And it's fucking Krampus!!!!
    KRAMPUS
  37. The best part was Krampus/IRS tried to take me back to the underwater house to meet my parents
  38. I think we had a real connection.
  39. And somehow in this @mindy is blowing up my phone asking me to write this script for her about falling in love with the real life grinch
    How dare this be the door to my future career?
  40. And I'm way too busy to text back
  41. So now I'm forever Mrs. Krampus
  42. AND the girl who missed her career for a guy