Things I've Put Into the Notes App of My Phone When I've Been Drinking

  1. Mainstream hip-hype: when hipsters hype something all the way into the mainstream.
  2. Brilliant idea: obstacle race for stoners called Tough Puffer. Cheetos at finish line.
  3. Easiest way to diffuse an argument: call the other person "a freaking nut harvest." Tested and approved.
  4. To do: buy Derek 500 Tasty Bites for wedding present when he decides to get married.
  5. My next dog: a French bulldog named Rupert Murdog, the Duke of Juke.
  6. Best drink in the world that I just invented: half red wine, half Fresca. DO NOT FORGET THIS.