Things I Really Want for My Birthday

I turn a quarter of a century old on Monday. The quarter life crisis is revving its engines.
  1. A lipstick that really does stay on all day and doesn't get all gross. I'm looking at you, CG Outlast. Get your act together because you were less reliable on NYE than a drunk friend.
  2. A Get Out of Traffic Free Card.
  3. A speaker system that allows me to broadcast myself into the car in front of me that cuts me off in traffic.
  4. A guy to look at me like Tony looks at Eilis in Brooklyn.
  5. An Easy Bake Oven for my cubicle.
  6. Mindy Kaling's wardrobe. @mindy
  7. Candles that smell like my favorite foods — warm popcorn in particular.