THINGS I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT TEXTING THE WEIRD GUY FROM THE BAR LAST NIGHT

Lies are marked with an asterisk.
  1. "Sorry, bro, she must have given you a fake number."*
  2. "I'm sorry--I was really drunk. I don't remember you."*
  3. "No."
  4. "I'm sure you're a nice guy but I really didn't want to meet anyone. Please don't text me again."
  5. "I am sorry. That was my last night out before I have to get both my eyeballs removed. I hope I didn't lead you on."*
  6. "I have a boyfriend."*
  7. "Oh god, did my clone go out and pick up men AGAIN?!?!?"*