Please Permit Me to Be Teen for a Second

DISCLAIMER: TL;DR. Chock full of hormones and kissy faces.
  1. So there's this boy at my school.
    I think you already know where this is going. Turn back now before it's too late!
  2. I may kinda sorta have a crush on him, but I gotta play it cool.
    Problem is...I'm not cool in the slightest bit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am ablaze all the time. And not in the "oh she's so hot" way. I mean in the "stay away from her that's dangerous" kinda way.
  3. So a group of my friends made it their business to play matchmaker.
    They told him how I felt about him. Then proceeded to give him my number. All without my consent or approval. So, out of fear of being perceived as a coward, I introduced myself, hoping to diffuse some of the awkwardness. Didn't work.
  4. So here's the part where I get vulnerable...
  5. I don't talk to guys I like. Ever.
    I talk to guys all the time. But only as long as I have no "romantic"(bad word) interest in them. As soon as I begin to "catch feelings"(dear God this sounds bad) I can't afford any form of interaction.
  6. Why?
    For several reasons.
  7. 1. I'm not a huge fan of high school relationships.
    I'm not on the same page as most kids my age anyways, boy or girl, so social interaction is already a chore. But everything that comes with dating just sounds like too much to put myself through when I'm not sure how involved I'll be with the same people after high school.
  8. 2. I'm not one for casual dating
    I become very deeply invested in anything I'm passionate about, and i don't know that a high school relationship is worth that. I would be exposing myself to a kind of vulnerability that I'm not ready for. Dating--->Marriage in my head and that's a dangerous progression for anybody to consider, but especially a 17 year old girl. My mommy still tucks me in guys.
  9. 3. I'm not interested in a lot of things that people my age think goes with being in a relationship. And vice versa.
    From what I can tell, boys perceive relationships very differently than I do. I can't give them what they want, and they can't give me what I want. Why even set myself up?
  10. So all of this is to say that while normally I would just admire a crush from afar, I now find myself li.sting about my boy problems and waiting for this stupid boy to text me.
    And I have homework.
  11. And as it's gotten later and later, I'm convinced he won't text me.
    And I wanna be ok with that. But I'm not. Because I've never cared to wonder why I guy won't text me. But now, it's all I can do not to blame myself.
  12. And I know that in the grand scheme of things this is trivial. And there are so many other things that I'm passionate about that I could focus on.
  13. And I know that boys are stupid and I shouldn't worry and I should always be confident in myself and all those other wonderful things I say to remind myself that my worth isn't found in a text message or how much a boy likes me. And I even know that maybe I'm overthinking it and he'll text when he's ready.
  14. But I'm still an impressionable 17 year old girl who likes boys. And it still hurts when you think that you don't measure up. It really does still suck when you're convinced that you've been deemed unworthy by someone you had hope in.
  15. And so this is just me taking into account everything I feel right now. Just kinda taking inventory so I know all the parts still work. Now I digress. And I've still got joy. So it's all good.❤
  16. But i still hope he texts me.