Moments of Complete and Utter Embarrassment

There have been so many-- but these experiences that have been burnt into my memory quickly come to mind:
  1. Giving my grandmothers eulogy with my fly down.
  2. Slipping in sauna and loosing my towel while trolling a crowded Crunch sauna.
    I do not slip, loose towel, or troll anymore.
  3. Voice cracking three times in one sentence in Junior year fall play.
    Also my friend Christy was in same scene in a jail behind me and started trying not to laugh real hard so I started trying not to laugh real hard. Also play was done in British accent.
  4. Being forced to wear my mothers fancy caplet and her panty hose over my black briefs for our 1st grade Halloween parade.
    She thought it was a clever homespun last second save when she forgot to buy me a costume. It looked more DRAGULA than DRACULA.
  5. Being forced to wear a Brazilian man bikini by my mother to my friend Julia's 12th birthday party because she thought it was chic.
    Julia's older brother pantsed me in front of a pool full of girls. Their mother, who had more sense than mine, lent me a pair of her son's more sensible OP shorts.
  6. GRINDR push notifications going off on large screen during important VOGUE iPad presentation.
    "BRAZILIAN9 has messaged you". Also didn't get the job.
  7. My mothers friend finding my notebook full of gay erotica drawings while we were on summer vacation with her.
    She goes, "interesting drawings. you may not want to leave this around" handed it to me and walked away. This made me very uncomfortable for the rest of her not-short-enough stay at our summer beach rental.
  8. Crap stained underwear at sleep-away tennis camp with my initials in them (thanks Mom) being found by upperclassmen from neighboring cabin.
    I had a poo problem my first year of sleep-away camp. They had a mock meeting where they brought them out on a stick and called me "The Shitter".
  9. Trying to break the ice with Shirley MacLaine by delivering a clever but very ill received "past life" jab before interviewing her.
    Interview went down like a plane crash. Later she answered question "What's the most challenging role you've played" by saying: "This interview".
  10. Flipping over too quickly and therefore ripping my paper hospital gown right at penis viewing area as the nice lady butt doctor went to shake my hand post probing.
    Never have I been more embarrassed to expose my front side AFTER showing my back side. Also faced a FIFTY SHADES OF GREY billboard on Sunset during procedure.
  11. Asking somebody out at gym and then mid ask realizing my shorts were on backwards. Then running away to flip them in bathroom and then coming back to say "sorry I ran away but my shorts were on backwards." And then never asking them out.
    Actually asked him out months later and then discovered he had a meth problem.
  12. Closing down a lane of traffic on 405 because car ran out of gas.
    Also super dangerous. Got a lot of honks and middle fingers. Also AAA took an hour to get to me.
  13. Waking up my entire neighborhood at 1 am when I was high as hell on medically prescribed edibles.
    First time doing legal edibles. I Called 911 then ran towards the oncoming fire truck with sirens blazing in only my underwear yelling "help I ate too much pot and I think I'm gonna die." Neighborhood watched as I panicked and spoke nonsense to a hot fireman. Still look down when I see the neighbor from Malcom In The Middle walking his girlfriends dog.