Observations From a Mani Pedi

  1. There is enough dead skin coming off of my underfoot for a large sized snow globe.
  2. This stylish woman across from me has now twice picked up the phone and said "can I call you back, I'm in a meeting."
    Yas Kween! Genius! I'm in a meeting here too!
  3. A week in Tulum for a beach wedding and 1 thousand micheladas makes the fingernails GROSS.
    Also Johnny Rockets from CUN airport makes the stomach gross...but different list.
  4. Both very sweet Asian women working on me are named Judy.
  5. The scrubbing pumice thing tickles but it hurts but it really tickles!!
  6. My neighbor to the left is using this place as a therapy session. She's telling her pedicurist Trish all about her workplace drama. But polite Trish don't give a fuck.
  7. I could watch this old Mariah Carey concert looping on the TV a million times and still act like its the first time I'm seeing it.
    Mimi is queen. Always and forever. Mimi is in Vegas.
  8. I squeal when Jane's thick fingers massage the skin between my thumb and index finger. This is a pain I've never felt there before. Jane says I must be stressed.
    I've just returned from a week on a beach in Mexico and I'm stressed. That sounds about right.
  9. But even with all this noise, I cannot get that Arabian flute music from Bieber's new single out of my head. And I'm not mad at it one bit.
  10. The last time I was here I was trolling GRINDR one handed while they worked my opposite fingers. Thank god I'm now coupled because I'm using this precious time to waste to do important things like:
  11. Work on my "WHERE ARE THEY NOW: FULLER HOUSE EDITION" list one handed.
    Am I a week too late for this? Having the hardest time deciding what Kimmie Gibbler has been up to!
  12. BUT I continue to be interrupted by my Instagram push notifications regarding a picture I took of my friend Vanessa while in Mexico. Vanessa's picture now has more likes than I have friends.
    Vanessa's picture now also has more likes than all of my pics collectively since I was in the front row of that Beyoncé concert 2 years ago and hash tagged everything #Beyonce. Vanessa is an ex-model turned mother of three who lives in Venice.
  13. Both hands get freed up and my FULL HOUSE research has sent me down yet another nostalgic rabbit hole: Wikipedia-ing the season by season line up for ABC's glorious TGIF block. (Remember Just The Ten of Us?)
  14. Also, I'm now Google-ing and wiki-ing the hell out of Chita Rivera while enjoying my hot wax cast/foot massage add-ons.
    A most delicious youtube rabbit hole. But I'm back to one hand. Or so I thought...as Judy 2 gets upset at me now for not soaking my right fingers for the appropriate amount of time.
  15. the Jane's, now nearly done, are pleasant as I decline any more add-ons. Meanwhile a slightly insane/fabulous woman in a straw hat and massive sunglasses is flipping out because she needs a plastic bag STAT for her jewelry she was forced to take off.
    Calm down sister. We're all in this together.
  16. All done. The Jane's wave goodbye. At the register I ponder the mani-pedi tip protocol for a job well done.
    Is it appropriate to split a 20% tip on both Jane's for this most efficient and successful mani pedi?