Things My Dogs Have Ruined

I have two Jack Russell Terriers. JRT's are the devils breed. Also I preface this list by promising you I AM A GOOD FATHER; and my children were born evil. Welcome to nine years of heartbreak, misery and pure unconditional love.
  1. My life.
    Both dogs.
  2. My Gucci suit jacket.
    Girl dog. Anger urine.
  3. 1 laptop USB port.
  4. My rug.
    Both dogs. A romp through the garbage led to chronic diarrhea.
  5. My ability to find a friend to watch them for free while I'm out of town.
    Both. They will fight with your dog, raid your trash and bite your pillows.
  6. A down comforter.
    Girl Dog. Tore into it and created a winter wonderland.
  7. A mattress.
    Girl dog. Anger urine. I dreamt of piss only to wake up in a dry stain of it.
  8. My landlords friendly side.
  9. My mothers ability to dog sit.
    Both. But more girl dog.
  10. A citronella bark collar.
    Girl. Learned how to bark through it until it went empty or battery ran out.
  11. My sisters lunchbox
    Boy dog.
  12. A holiday gift basket.
    Boy dog. Wanted in those Carr's water crackers.
  13. A star dog trainers impeccable yelp rating.
    Girl mostly. After 6 sessions said "call me when you call me..."
  14. Countless rolls of toilet paper.
  15. Wee-wee pads.
    Girl dog. Pissed on then shredded.
  16. Patagonia down jacket.
    Boy dog. I left treats in secret pocket. Another winter wonderland.
  17. Countless socks.
    I have a drawer full of single socks.
  18. Countless garbage bags.
  19. Countless garbage cans.
  20. Handyman's pants.
    Girl dog. Doesn't like Latin intruders. BUT IM LATIN!?!?
  21. My boyfriends expensive fashion boxers.
    Both. Tug-a-War.
  22. My sense of smell.
    I'm immune to their fart bombs and mouth odor.
  23. My sanity.
  24. My Beyoncé tote bag.
    Boy dog. Chewed through special edition Beyoncé tote bag to get to farmers market produce.
  25. Off leash dog park privileges.
    Girl dog. Thinks she's Kween of dog park.
  26. My GRINDR hosting privileges.
    Both. All up in everyone in bed.
  27. Christmas.
    Both. Someone lifted a leg on the Christmas tree stump. Also both dogs destroy low tiered ornaments.