Wow I really love sharing cRinGey boy stories with List App, huh? The third in a series. 1⃣: I Want It Thaaaaat Way: A Dance Story, 2⃣: More Stories About Boys With Anna. Alternate Title: Francis and the Lateral Move.
  1. My junior year of college, my roommate Christy was a gosh-dang social genius. She kept a spreadsheet of single guys she knew with columns for their ages, height, dancing ability, past girlfriends and how many other sorority events they'd been to that year.
    We were so different. I was very busy maintaining a meticulous spreadsheet of books I wanted to read and spending time in the (very small!) Foreign Films section of our library.
  2. I'd broken up with my (only!) longtime boyfriend right before school started back and was still moping very seriously.
    We'd dated for 3 years which is a long-ass time when you're 17-20 and he's 20-23.
  3. 2010 Anna. 20, single and absolutely not ready to mingle.
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    Glamour shots outside my bedroom 😅/😓
  4. Our Fall semiformal was approaching and boy, did I hate thinking about that.
    It was called the "White Pearl Semiformal". Guess nobody ran that through innuendo bingo. 😑 I was also TShirt Chair that year which I thought sounded fun when I volunteered. It turned into the most stressful soul sucking job ever. Anyways, it meant I had to be there so I could later design a shitty tshirt in Photoshop that *"accurately captured that night's spirit". *actual quote from the social chair who was terrifying.
  5. I would proclaim daily to Christy that I was or was not going.
  6. "I'm not going. Definitely not. You couldn't pay me."
    Christy: "Actually, with dues, you are in fact paying to attend. So you might as well go."
  8. "Ok, fine, I'm going alone but just for the food and to have a reason to wear my Betsy Johnson leopard print heels with the ankle bows." 💅🏽
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  9. "Nope, changed my mind, I'm not going BOYS SUCK AND I HATE THEM ALL!"
  10. Christy was very tolerant of the emotional turbulence I was bringing to our 50 sq. ft. room.
    When you live in a sorority house they basically give you a shoebox and ask you to re-enact The Borrowers in the name of sisterhood.
  11. This was our room.
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    See what I mean?
  12. One night, we were sitting at our desks doing homework/Facebooking.
    And Christy casually asks "So who are you going to ask to semiformal? I'm going to take Thomas, I think."
  13. [ed. note: Thomas was a 5th year senior who looked like a baby Harrison Ford. I know. God doesn't give with both hands.]
  14. I lost it. Rage/fear spiral ahoy! 🔜🌊🏃🌀🔚
  15. "I don't know Christy!!!! Maybe a man will just fall into my lap on the trolley and I will take him hostage and make him come with me!!!
    We had a campus trolley that took you to class. I never had a man fall into my lap once EVEN though our school was only 30% girls.
  16. Having landed that verbal jab, I flounced to my bed.
    This was hard because I had the top bunk and to get up there I had to first climb on my desk. Not the best environment for an effective flounce.
  17. Christy let out a huge sigh.
  18. "Anna, you don't talk on the trolley and usually you're reading something and have like a permanent stank face on so that's not happening. Even if a boy fell on you, he'd be terrified."
    This was true. Again. When a school is 30% girls, the stank face is the first line of defense. It actually had a name: Tech Bitch Syndrome which was coined by Tech bro dudez and offensive as hell. Maybe I wouldn't have to be a bitch if you weren't being awful. /off soapbox.
  19. I huffed from the top bunk.
  20. Christy decides to hitch my wagon to her star 🌟and make things happen for me since I was obviously not equipped to be driving my own wagon that semester.
  21. She pulls up her Spreadsheet-O-Boys, scrolls for a minute and triumphantly announces 📢"Connor!!"📢
    "This is perfect. He's tall but not too tall." [ed. note: I don't believe in boys being too tall. The better to climb or whatever.]
  22. "He's a great swing dancer but isn't grabby, you don't have to babysit him at parties, he's not dating what's-her-name anymore and he's only been to Zeta's semiformal this year so he's not overexposed yet."
    Honestly I have no idea how Christy compiled all this information but her talents were being wasted on us and she should have been recruited straight from school into the FBI like Agent Dana Scully.
  23. "Oh and he told me he thought you were funny that one time you wrecked a corn hole game by walking in front of the bean bag toss."
    Great he thinks a stupid thing I did by accident means I'm "funny". Hard out here for the baby-faced cute girls.
  24. She writes down his phone number onto a pink Lilly Pulitzer ™ post-it note and hands it up to me.
  25. Call him, she says.
  26. Ask him to take you to the White Pearl Semi-Formal, she says.
  27. 😐😐😐😐😐😐
  28. Yeah, why don't I just call this random boy and ask him to be my date to a dance and while I'm at it why don't I just combust into 🔥flames🔥 and have you roll me into the Chattahoochee River.
    Those sound equally fun.
  29. Call him!?!?
  30. I'd rather eat nails.
  31. In fact, I'd rather eat nails while being crushed in a garbage compacter that also plays Santana on a loop than call this boy.
    It's really surprising to me how I didn't realize I had anxiety right that very second and instead waited to realize it for at least 2 more years when I had a full time job hahaha ha ha. 😅/😓
  32. Back to Christy.
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    Do you see that wonky homemade badge that says "most likely to marry a football player?"
  33. This is the face of a girl who gets what she wants.
  34. She was going to sit there smugly at her desk until I called him.
  35. To expedite things, I decided I would Slydial him.
  36. Slydialing™ is where you call a number, listen to an ad and then punch in the number you wanted. Slydial would connect you straight to their voicemail so you didn't have to mess with people actually answering their phones and screwing up your rehearsed talk track.
    Of course now I would just be like "just text these people, Anna?" But then I felt like I had to call.
  37. (Ask me how I knew about Slydial.
    I'd been using it to call my ex and leave rambly voicemails 😨😲😷😱😰😫)
  38. Sooo, I take Connor's number and run it through Slydial.
    My hands are sweating so much it's rude.
  39. And like it's supposed to, I get connected straight to his voicemail. 😎
  40. " Hi Connor. This is Anna. Christy's roommate? Not sure you remember me [ed. note: from the one time I went to a tailgate and managed to derail a corn hole tournament😑] but um, as you probably know -- we have semiformal coming up and if you're not busy next weekend, although you probably have plans already and are super busy which is totally fair
    Christy jabbed my mattress at this point and was like 🌀🌀 *crazy eyes* DO IT!!
  41. "Uh right, anyways if you're free, I was wondering if you wanted to go to semiformal. My Semiformal! With me!!! If you wanted to go to my semiformal with me."
    Chill level dangerously low.
  42. "So uh, call me back! Bye!"
    I hung up and threw the phone down.
  43. The amount of adrenaline I had coursing through my body was ridiculous.
    I felt like I could lift a train.
  44. ⏰📱⏰📱⏰📱
  45. The phone rings back immediately and I'm like 🙅🏻 WUUUUT?? IS??? HAPPENING???
  46. Christy is out of her desk chair hollering "ANSWER IT!!"
  47. I pick up.
  48. It's Connor.
    Of course it is.
  49. Connor: "Hi, did you just call me?
  50. Me: "uh"
  51. Connor: "I mean, it's just weird because I had my phone on my desk and I saw it light up but then it said Unknown Number and I had a voicemail?"
  52. Me: "uh"
  53. Connor, helpfully: "The voicemail was from you."
  54. Me: "hysterical laughter"
  55. Me, frantically shredding the Lilly Pulitzer™ post-it note: "Wow, that is sooOOooOOoOOoooooOOOOOOoO weird? Like who even knows what happens with iPhones though, right?"
  56. Connor: "..."
  57. Me: "Sorry, yes that was me, I called."
  58. Connor: "Ok. Well, thanks so much for thinking of me! I really appreciate it and would definitely have taken you but my grandfather just died and the funeral is this weekend, so unfortunately I'll be in Alabama."
  59. Me: "Oh my g- Oh Connor, I'm so sorry! No, please don't take me, please go. I'm so sorry."
    Honestly I don't really even remember this part because I was so horrified at the whole situation and at my trash responses and how nice he was being despite dealing with a close death in his family. You're a good guy, Connor and I never told you that. 🏆
  60. Connor: "Ok, well, see you around."
  61. Me: "Ok."
  62. 📱🔚
  63. Christy goes "What was that? What just happened?!"
  64. Me: "ooooooOOOOOh my God I don't even know I can't, I'm so embarrassed this is awful what is I just nope nope nope nope. NOPE."
  65. Christy: "... How did he immediately call back if you left a voicemail though? Why didn't he just answer?"
    ‼️‼️Again with the LOGIC!
  66. Me: "because uh, I did this thing where I skipped his phone ringing and went straight to voicemail".
  67. Christy:
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  68. Christy: "So he's definitely not coming?"
  69. Me: "Not in the slightest."
  70. Christy went back to her Spreadsheet-O-Boys and found a guy named Kunal who was too handsome, also a great swing dancer and single.
    She did not let me call him. She called him for me.
  71. Kunal and I went and had a great time.
    I did wear my leopard print Betsey Johnson heels with the ankle bows and I only tripped once the entire night.
  72. The next semester Christy tutored the running back on the football team in Finite Math and he was straight up obsessed with her.
    As he should have been.
  73. Christy graduated and went to work for Spanx.
    Honestly I can't think of anywhere better for a leader of social feminist innovation and also sometimes a bossy need to tell you to 👏🏼BE BETTER 👏🏼to work. 🎀
  74. The spreadsheet continued to thrive and bless us all long after she graduated.
  75. If you still want to Slydial™ after this cautionary tale:
  76. *neither Lilly Pulitzer™ nor Slydial™ sponsored this list.