Requested by Mary

Request: The Linguistics of Texting With @ohheymary

@ohheymary is a very special lady. Before we met, everyone was like "Hey @nantea you have to meet Mary she is just like you but says dope a lot and is very Oakland." And I was like "uhh first that sounds nothing like me and I am not sure about this" and @ohheymary was like "NO ONE IS LIKE MEπŸ”¨πŸ”¨πŸ”¨πŸ‘Ώ". Turns out we are in fact soul twins.
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    So I think we've breathed the same air only 3 times, right @ohheymary? Once in Atlanta when we screamed about ice cream and One Direction and beer all weekend, and twice in San Francisco.
    I haven't been to Mary's bar in Oakland yet and this is a very sore spot so pls respect our privacy at this time.
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    Because we can not do the friend hangz in person, we text basically every day of our lives.
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    As such, we have developed our own lexicon for textual expression.
    Please keep all arms and legs inside the train as it leaves the station, thank you.
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    πŸš‚πŸš‚πŸš‚πŸš‚πŸš‚πŸš‚πŸš‚πŸš‚
    One of our core friendship values is yelling about public transportation
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    Let me mom for a minute
    You about to get told some sweet sweet truths. Used mainly for affirmations of the recipient. When you mom you are holding their cheeks in your hands and telling them they are good and lovely and hilarious and smart and soooo worth it.
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    /mom over
    Your mom session has ended now.
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    ALSO? also ---also--- OK but aLsO? And then again alsoooOOOO.
    We don't finish sentences so much as sliiiiiiiide right into new ones
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    Immediately escalating to ALL CAPS TEXT SCREAMING
    I think we both find capslock very soothing now. It's nice to have someone willing to go toe to toe with you when you wanna yell about how Niall Horan probably gets very homesick for Ireland and is a tiny celery root. (Not an actual conversation yet , but give us some time).
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    Bash
    Things that are not good are bash. This important word was created when our friend Emily (my bff from college who met Mary first and forced me into saying hi because I was being dopey) texted our group text to ask @ohheymary if something she did was "bad" but she was tipsy texting and thus a new word was born. We use this all the damn time.
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    Flurting
    Flirting but with lots of unresolved sexual tension. FlurtΓ© takes this up another level. There is no level past flurtΓ©.
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    I contain multitudes.
    I think we got tired of this little guy Β―\_(ツ)_/Β― and moved on to things our therapists might say to affirm us. Except we affirm ourselves first πŸ’…πŸΌ
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    πŸ‘πŸΌwhenπŸ‘πŸΌinπŸ‘πŸΌdoubtπŸ‘πŸΌhyperboleπŸ‘πŸΌoutπŸ‘πŸΌ
    You didn't get embarrassed, you launched yourself into the stratosphere in hopes of colliding with the sun because death would be kinder. Yeah. You're getting it!
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    The reviews are in
    A new one from @ohheymary but I love it. Used when announcing your solo opinion but acting as if The New York Times asked you for a direct quote. "The reviews are in: I hate it."
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    Adding ...AND GOD to end of sentences.
    Used when you really can't handle the situation πŸ‘€ . The Real Life Source Text: ok but alsO he held my hand in front of Rachel Newcity AND GOD?! (Rachel is an innocent bystander in this example).
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    Fight me/I'll fight
    Used for emphasis. This is a very @ohheymary thing to text and now I say it all the time 😁😎
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    Let me live, let me LIVE, let me live pls
    βœ‹πŸΌI'm living my truth right now.
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    A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets πŸ’™
    Used when we're about to spill something major or about to pretend like we don't know anything. Or when we're tired of "I contain multitudes". Real all-rounder.
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    P for pretty, v for very
    This is p much all we do, it's v convenient because speedy texting!
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    Always! Be! Escalating!
    You need more exclamation points!!! Have you YELLED today?!!!
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    The statute of limitations is up
    On making a move, on complaining about something, on doing anything
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    A masterpiece of our time!
    Used for true masterpieces, like 1D, and also for anything really. See again, hyperbole.
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    Wildly extended metaphors.
    We will be your hype man, your boxing coach and your walk on song director.
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    πŸ’₯πŸ‘ŠπŸΌπŸ’₯
    We're gonna close out with Werkin' Girls by Angel Haze.
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    Disturbance in the force
    When dudes do weird stuff and you're onto it.
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    "In conclusion,"
    Don't worry, we're not concluding shit, we are just presenting a closing argument to the jury of our peers like we all learned from Cher Horowitz before we jump right back in with a "but then again ALSOooOO?!"
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    Okay I think any one of you could probably join our iMessage thread now. πŸ‘›πŸ’¬