The Trials and Tribulations of my Freshman Roommate

  1. This is freshman in college Anna.
    I'm wearing 8 pounds of taupe eyeshadow, my cellphone is a Blackberry with a Little Mermaid sticker on the back, the photo booth app is still novel, I took this faux-candid picture to send to my boyfriend and I mistook a hookah for a bong about three weeks before this picture was taken.
  2. She brushed her teeth using a spit cup she kept in her wardrobe, which she would then rinse out in the water fountain. I never once saw her brush her teeth in the bathroom.
  3. She ate all the brownies my mom mailed me in a decorative tin.
    They were hidden on the top shelf of my wardrobe so how she knew about them remains a mystery
  4. She rolled up the rug I bought for our dorm room and put it out in the hall for trash collection while I was on spring break.
  5. She did not leave class to help me when I called her, frantic because our dorm was flooding
    The ancient radiator burst and we had 3 inches of water before I noticed because I was doing homework with headphones on a lofted bed.
  6. She asked me to move all her stuff out for her to avoid the water damage
    I moved mine out first and (this is awful) I left her guitar amps under her bed 🙈
  7. She left a used pad lying FACE UP on her bed for an entire day.
    I evacuated to the library.
  8. She shed so much hair that my vacuum broke while trying to keep up.
  9. She told our entire hall I voted Republican because I wore a red skirt on Election Day.
    This was 2008 so BASICALLY this was grounds for social excommunication.
  10. She did not change her sheets all year.
  11. She bought a poster from a street vendor that depicted a girl wearing headphones in the throes of ecstasy and was titled "Eargasm".
    Completely overshadowed my Le Chat Noir poster.
  12. She got BOTH a Fulbright AND a Rhodes Scholarship in 2012 which I did not think possible.
    It is. She was intellectually so smart and personally/emotionally so dumb.
  13. She was a President's Scholar so she got a full ride and also got to move in early.
    So she took the bottom bunk and made me sleep 6 inches from the ceiling. 2 weeks into our first semester I gave myself a mild concussion when I woke up and accidentally rammed my head into the drop ceiling. We had to split our beds apart and lift them after that.
  14. We had one class together- American Government- and she tried to compare homework answers/compete on test scores until I snapped and refused.
    That class was my only B the entire year and I think it was because I skipped class so I didn't have to sit by her so many times.
  15. She made me feel dumb constantly.
    I'm not dumb. But boy, I felt like a dunce for 8 solid months.
  16. She insisted she could only sleep if we left our fluorescent overhead light on all night because it was "soothing".
    We settled on one fluorescent night a month and I wore a sleep mask and fumed.
  17. On move out day, she gave me a Bath and Body Works candle in "sweet pea" (my least favorite scent) and a note that said "may our friendship burn as bright as this candle"
    One final, subtle "Fuck You".