Things I've Said at Work (Or Typed in Our Office Chat)

I work in the training department of a large tech company. It is exactly like Silicon Valley.
  1. "No, WE booked this meeting room and I will stare at this sales guy through the glass wall until he capitulates. "
    We don't have real walls.
  2. My coworker: "What will it take for him (a course instructor) to get that he can't share our course materials for CRT-160 with other people for free!?"
    Me: "idk, probably all of us getting chest tattoos that read "DON'T FUGGIN SHARE CRT-160". Or, barring that, locking him out of our course library".
  3. "Screamy Kermit Muppet Arms!"
    Sometimes I type out descriptors of the gifs I would have used if I wasn't too lazy to go get them from Giphy.
  4. "Y'all, come on. Just put your hashbrowns in a waffle iron. Solved."
  5. [There's a chat bot you can add quotes to and call up by typing !quote. Here are my only quotes in the office-wide bot:]
    "EVERYTHING'S FINE I'M VERY CHILL", "There was also a 3 minute side conversation about the proper way to eat a taco", "Welcome to business jargon! Everything is nothing!", "I also solemnly swear not to wear a flower crown or cut offs".
  6. "If I started listing out things that were wrong, I'd have 20 things right off the bat, so I'm not going to do that. But they're wrong."
  7. "WHY CAN SHE NOT BOOK A ROOM LIKE THE REST OF US PEASANTS? JIMINY CHRISTMAS NUTS, GO IN A ROOM WITH A DOOR."
    We have an open office floor plan. There's this one lady who sits near our team and takes every single meeting and call from her desk, and one morning, I'd had it. Now that I'm reading this in my gchat logs, I'd like to go back in time and place a cool washcloth on my rage-mottled forehead.
  8. My deskmate: "if the ferocity of your typing is any indication, I believe you."
    Me: "I'm a very passionate typer at all times"
  9. "Here we are again in our favorite place!"
    I kept running into the same woman in the bathroom one week and tried making a joke. Didn't go over."
  10. "Ok, but how MUCH of a tire fire do you think that meeting was?"
    We're getting subsumed into another dept and having ridiculous 4 hour meetings.
  11. "Dammit, I was on the end of the table that was discussing Amish communities in Sarasota so I missed all the advice on navigating office politics which would have been A LOT MORE PERTINENT than buggy traffic laws."