Times I Have Been the Mom to My Friends

When you're a middle child you have experience mom-ing up and down. Semi-inspired by @kylabender's hilarious list: HOW TO SEND A GROUP TEXT AS THE MOM OF THE FRIEND GROUP
  1. That time I passed out eye makeup remover pads at 4:00 am when 2 friends were crashing in my living room.
    No one needs to fall asleep still wearing eyeliner unless they want to. "I'm just going to leave these here! Help yourselves!"
  2. That time I was on a party bus with Bobby Valentine of slow dance fame & my friend Mahssa, who was a notorious loose cannon, screamed "ANNA your tits look amazing!!!!" and I shushed her SO fast by diving into her seat and clapping my hand over her mouth. I almost told her not to say tits. God.
    She was trying to do me a solid but my tits are not up for public debate and/or commentary.
  3. That time I brought socks for everyone to wear after we went wading in the Campanile (a huge fountain that's off limits for students at my college) at midnight. I got grief but everyone wore them home.
  4. That time my freshman hall-mates told me they were doing Calculus homework in Krissy's dorm room when they were really taking shots of tequila.
    I believed them because, well, we did live in the honors dorm. I only found out 2 years later that they didn't want to pressure me into drinking if I didn't want to.
  5. That time I took my very drunk coworker friend home from our office Christmas party because she needed someone to take charge. I got us into a taxi and up the stairs.
    I had to hide her phone because she was calling her ex-best-friend-turned-boyfriend and leaving crying voicemails. We are all better than that. I put her to bed on my couch and then checked to make sure she was still breathing every 30 minutes by putting my hand near her mouth. I've read about asphyxiation from drunk vomiting, ok!!!
  6. That time I was putting false eyelashes on 2 of my friends who were about to go out (I was in pajamas) in a lash-assembly line and launched into a spiel about a movie filmed in 1968.
    "I really love Lucille Ball. When she was in Yours, Mine and Ours she filmed a scene where her eyelash falls out into her Irish Coffee on a date and it's hysterical!!". This was met with blank faces because nobody my age has seen that movie.
  7. I hand out Advil from my purse constantly.