What I Want for Myself in 2016.
I don't believe so much in resolutions as a way to become more perfect. I think that we live or die under the tyranny of perfection. Becoming is the story itself.
- •To be kind to myself.To extend the same grace, understanding and empathy inwards that I do to all my friends as a right of course. To be kind to myself means understanding that I did what I did, I did what I was always going to do. It’s done. And I have permission and freedom to move on; I have the right to feel at peace.
- •To be uncomfortable.I very much hate putting myself in situations that challenge me or force me to make difficult important decisions. (Social anxiety, yo!) Here's to a year of pressing forward into the discomfort of making new friends, dating more, being vocal about what I want and need.
- •To be authentic with myself and others.I have gotten so much better with this since my anxiety diagnosis, because I strongly disagree that mental illness should have this weighty stigma attached to it and sometimes that means that I have to wade into the fray with my own experiences. I deserve space to be authentic and I want that for myself. I've also come to understand that EVERYONE has secret scars and dark, heavy burdens that they carry, and sometimes showing yours to someone else can bring relief to you both.
- •To be brave in vulnerability.Anytime I present myself as I am, anytime I can say "yes, this is how I feel and yes, this is what I want", anytime I am vulnerable with another person, anytime I stop performing and just am... I am doing one of the hardest things ever asked of us meager beings. I want to see that openness as a defining characteristic. It means I am brave.
- •To start with empathy first, not judgment.No one makes it out of this world alive and no one makes it out unscarred. I read once that to be blessed is to be bloodied. Everyone has their secret scar and if you let it, that's where empathy originates. Hide my scars and faults under a brittle veneer of "I've got this handled, thank you, I am not wounded and everything is perfect", and I might find one day that I've calcified into a bitter, resentful person. In 2016, I pray that I stay soft.