Best Andy Dwyer quotes

"I trended once and I will do anything to get that feeling back."- Me
  1. *pulls ship out of bottle* "I did it! I got it out!"
  2. "I'm allergic to sushi every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf."
  3. "If you rearrange the letters of Peru you can spell Europe."
  4. "No April we'd all die, gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in. School."
  5. "[Rats] are bad at sharing but good at tag."
  6. "I didn't actually sell my last car I just forgot where I parked it."
  7. "I don't know who Al Gore is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask."
  8. "I'm going to make 32 bucks tonight! I owe everything I have to Leslie. Which after tonight will be $32"
  9. "When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is."
  10. "I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything..."
  11. "When I was a baby my head was so big scientists did experiments on me"
  12. "I got a pretty sweet lease— it's about 12% which is one of the highest you can get."
  13. "Oh I'm fine, it's just life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired."
  14. "When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty."
  15. "Leslie, I typed your symptoms into this bar up here, and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems.'"
  16. "Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible."
  17. "I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well."
  18. "Everything hurts, running is impossible"
  19. "Windows are the eyes to house."
  20. *At the Washington Memorial* "Leslie this is a really cool penis..."
  21. "Perpetrator, if you are watching this, just know that... you are still at large."
  22. "Macklin you son of a bitch..."
  23. "Well I was supposed to have a rock fight with this crazy guy but he's like 20 minutes late."