Current Cocktail for Combating Colossal Cramps

Combating = unsuccessfully distracting you from
  1. Crawl to the kitchen and make a frittata
  2. Crawl back to bed and drape the comforter over the random areas that are freezing and avoiding the simultaneously clammy ones.
  3. Have both the space heater and oscillating fan set up next to your bed because hormones yield extreme changes in body temperature every 15 seconds or so.
  4. Eat that frittata, watch Clarissa Explains it all, cry. Youth is escaping you.
  5. Six hours are up! You can take another painkiller you saved from surgery recovery for days like this.
  6. Cry because no one else could ever understand your experience and how dare they/why me/oh shit pull it together.
  7. No, don't pull it together. Accidentally put on one of your slippers and one of your husbands slippers, look, gasp because there's something romantic and beautiful about it but you have no idea what it is. Cry.
  8. Heat pad on lower back, comforter from your shoulders to your knees, fan on high pointing at your feet.
  9. Doug is on Hulu.
  10. But so is Party of Five.
  11. But also so is Felicity.
  12. Oh, nevermind, found it: Dawson's Creek.
  13. Tiny lil' weed puff.
  14. Everything is fine.
  15. Cry.
  16. Hello, Pacey.
  17. Remember that frittata? Get crawlin.