One of the things I love more than my cats is a good burrito. I'm from the Bay Area- the place where the Mission Style burrito was invented, so naturally I'm a bit picky. Finding a good burrito seems easy enough, but let me tell you, some people can mess it up in a way you never thought possible.
  1. Type of establishment
    The sketchier the better usually. When looking up burrito places don't go for one above $$ on yelp. My favorite place is a small taqueria right next to the train tracks. Is the taqueria a large chain? -40 points. Is the taqueria just a woman making burritos in her living room with a cardboard sign outside telling you to come in? +50 points, but enter with caution.
  2. Wrapping
    Everyone knows the best way to wrap a burrito is tinfoil. Best for the environment? Maybe not. But I'll let it slide this time. And please for god sake unwrap it a bit at a time. Don't peel off all of the tinfoil like a goddamn ear of corn. It's the only thing that's controlling the mass of your burrito and preventing a gigantic mess. Burrito Spanx™, if you will.
  3. Tortilla
    The worst thing a tortilla can be is greasy. This makes the burrito fall apart, it's hard to hold, and it makes you feel horrible later. Though on the plus side it's a great lip balm if you're into that kinda thing.
  4. Ratio of ingredients
    As one of my wise friends says, "there is nothing worse than a dry burrito". On the other hand, I also hate having soup in a tortilla. It's hard to get the perfect balance, but when you do it's ✨perfection✨.
  5. Placement of Ingredients
    Chipotle is constantly a culprit of this one. I should have most (if not all) of the ingredients in every bite I take. I don't want to have to suffer through 6 bites of rice before I hit some chicken. If you want to read the perfect rant on this, read this:
  6. Cheese
    At Chipotle they have a thing on their secret menu called a quesarito. This sounds magical, like a burrito wrapped with a quesadilla right? So wrong. They just melt the cheese. That's the difference. And they don't like doing it for you. Don't hold up the line. Don't waste your time. However, at my taqueria (~shoutout to La Cumbre in San Mateo!!~), they always melt the cheese and it's amazing. -500 points to any place that uses melted nacho cheese in a burrito. Just... No.
  7. Size
    When it comes to burritos, size matters. I mean I don't care if it's short and fat or long and skinny, but it's gotta be a LOT of food. If I don't feel like I'm going to explode rice and beans all over my fellow patrons a la Monty Python's Mr Creosote, you have not done your job.