RANDOM THINGS I HAVE BROKEN

  1. A wall clock
    After getting off the treadmill and celebrating a good run by kicking off my shoes. Couldn't do it again if I tried.
  2. A plastic fork
    By eating take-out food too vigorously
  3. A clothes hanger
    While hanging up clothes
  4. A windshield
    Actually, that was my best friend Emily, slapping a tiny bug in her Suzuki jeep. I still laugh when I visualize it, 15 years later.
  5. My fingernails
    Daily
  6. A ping-pong table
    Falling on it at my 28th birthday party
  7. A cd case
    Trying to put a cd in
  8. A cd case
    Trying to get a cd out
  9. A needle threader
    Trying to thread a needle
  10. A pair of sunglasses
    By never using a case and treating them like loose change
  11. A ton of hearts
    Not really, but the list implied a joke like this might happen
  12. A set of home and office keys
    By running them over with my lawnmower
  13. A tooth
    When a college guy bumped into me when I was taking a sip of beer from a bottle. Possibly one of the most sober I had ever been at a college party
  14. Not the internet
    Thank God, flip phones were just coming out during my crazy days in college.
  15. A suitcase zipper
    Forcing it shut, which was the one and only time it remained successfully closed
  16. A delicate tea cup
    By throwing it onto the back patio, after realizing I had kept it in my Hope chest for 19 years, and my high school ex-boyfriend's mom had given it to me at high school graduation; likely a hint to be more of a lady
  17. A cell phone
    By leaving it outside in the rain
  18. Every envelope I have ever opened
    I cannot open a letter without annihilating the envelope
  19. A record
    For winning the most spoof awards after my first year of high school cross-country. Biggest Flirt, Biggest Slacker, Biggest Faker, and one more. It is good I cannot still rattle off all four
  20. My appetite for Happy Panda food
    After returning home with beef and broccoli, to find a smashed baby snake on my living room floor. Probably a gift from my cat, and me stepping on it and thinking it was just a leaf. I found out differently when I picked it up and saw the open mouth. No more broccoli with brown, slimy, baby snake-shaped beef
  21. A library book
    By leaving it outside after a day of sun-bathing. Morning sprinklers got it. I tried to return it, anyway. But, the fine came via email a few days later
  22. Promises to myself
    Learning a foreign language, getting back into yoga and Pilates, not ever eating fast food again, not watching TV before bed, not using my iPhone before bed, not spending time on apps, keeping up on my daily work, learning how to crochet something other than a scarf, not putting anything on credit card, and on and on and on