Letters to Traffic

Sometimes I wish I could have a one on one conversation with some of the people that have me exasperated on the freeway. This is the best I could do.
  1. Dear Fat Guy in Smart car,
    I know why you bought that thing. You said to yourself,"I barely fit now. Wait til I go to the gym AND save the Earth while I do it!" But, it's been a year now. You're frustrated. I'm frustrated. It seems the only joy it brings you these days is weaving in & out of traffic and parking really close to the line on your passenger side. It's time to call it a day and buy a Honda.
  2. Dear Big White Truck with oversized tires,
    I turned my blinker on to get off the freeway. It was not a signal for flirtatious behavior. Blinkers are used to let people know you need to leave the lane you are currently in. Not as a rhythmic disco light to match the tunes. When I slowed down it was not to get to know you better, it was to get behind you since you clearly didn't want to let me in your lane. When I sped up it was because slowing down didn't work, not because I wanted to race u. P.s. your music sucks and so does your stereo.
  3. Woman in expensive car that has a princess/pink/hello kitty license plate frame.
    You are setting women back by a lot right now. I'm sure you are a lovely person. You seem to be quite the conversationalist and multi Tasker. I don't know many people that can text going 90 on the freeway while looking through their bag at the same time, impressive. Only, you nearly hit that bicyclist on the off ramp. Pretty sure the BMW w/old guy wasn't trying to pull over but, when someone is inches away from careening into your door;decisions must be made. Have you tried UBER?
  4. Dear Suped up Car made before 2000,
    You have Nos, no way! It's a stick shift, Holy Cow! And that engine, man it really purrs. Like a long loud car fart. Unfortunately, I do not have the same vehicle. I have one of those hybrid thing a ma bobs. So, noooooo revving anything for me. I can't slam my breaks. I can't create quick starts. So, no I don't want to race you. Don't you know you'd win dummy?
  5. Dear Elderly,
    I'm only speaking to the people my grandma's age (80) and only a certain percentage of you. Know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away. Because sometimes when you are down the street, I want to run.
  6. Dear person w/small dog in your lap,
    That dog is soooooo cute. Ashame it's always nearly falling out of your window. Maybe get a car seat or a leash and stop risking everyone's lives for a "fun car ride" with your best friend. Please.
  7. Parents yelling at their kids in the backseat,
    My parents used to get us to behave by pulling the car over on the freeway. Nothing is scarier than a parent willing to be late to teach you a lesson.