DUDES IN MUSICALS WHO CAN DEFINITELY NOT GET IT

  1. Raoul, Phantom of the Opera
    He can't even keep his hand at the level of his eye for two minutes; not taking any chances on his ability to keep other things up.
  2. The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera
    Stalkers/kidnappers need not apply kthx.
  3. Jean Valjean, Les Miserables
    He'd spend half the time telling you why he was so great & the other half whining about his whole moral dilemma involving his platonic ex-boyf, Javert, who would def burst into the room at the most inopportune moment possible.
  4. Javert, Les Misérables
    Anyone capable of that much focus/determination has the potential to be great in bed, but let's be real, Jav would definitely slut shame you the second he finished; probably before.
  5. Marius, Les Miserables
    Too boring to want a second date with; pretty enough you'd hook up with him on the first. Would cry during sex & then tell you he was in love with you & probably propose.
  6. Prince Charming, Into the Woods
    See Marius, with the added bonus of being dumber than dirt.
  7. Joseph, Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
    Would have a dream that predicted something like how he would become a hero for rescuing you from death in a scenario that made you look like an idiot & tell it to you in excruciating detail the morning after like he was doing you a big favor.
  8. Jesus, Jesus Christ Superstar
    Pretty clearly doesn't want to get it anyway, but too much of a dick if he did. In the words of @crackdkettle: 'He's like the Stannis of 1st century occupied Israel'.
  9. Judas, Jesus Christ Superstar
    Would only sleep with you to convince himself he's not into Jesus. Is also definitely runner up in Most Likely to Slut Shame You Afterwards.
  10. Ponty, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
    Would have a book about how to please a woman & you'd catch him referring to dogeared pages all night. He'd be so earnest you'd be tempted to let it slide, but his constant need for reassurance would be so exhausting there's no way you could handle the moment he opens the book behind your head while you're making out.
  11. Bud Frump, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
    His name is reason enough, but the high-key Oedipal complex is a death knell.
  12. Freddy, My Fair Lady
    Would 100% freak out if you didn't text him back within 30 seconds and then show up at your door just to 'make sure you were alive'.
  13. Adam, Children of Eden
    Yeah, 'cause what I need in my life is another dude who can't take responsibility for his own decisions.
  14. Mark, RENT
    Would make you watch his shitty docos and passive-aggressively talk about how he could never 'sell out to the Man' whenever you mentioned your job at Starbucks, but would have no problem constantly crashing at your place and eating all the marked out food you bring home when you close. Before you got a chance to end things, he'd break up with you in a 3-paragraph text about principles & you would realize you had never until that moment truly known what relief felt like.
  15. Roger, RENT
    You'd meet him in line for a kebab after a night of drinking with your friends right after Mark breaks things off. He'd be fresh off a gig with a guitar strapped to his back & you'd go back to his apartment with him, because hey, musicians, but then his buzz from doing something useful with his life would wear off & it'd turn out the 'gig' was an open mic & he'd wanna talk about how he was a useless failure & you were too good for him & then be shocked when you were like 'gotta go, byyyeee'.
  16. Rolf, Sound of Music
    I mean obviously, but it has to be said. 🚫Nazis🚫
  17. King George III, Hamilton
    Okay, so I've actually never heard or seen Hamilton, but this seems like a safe bet.