I Need Advice on My Life
I also need to get all these feelings out to someone. I also think a lot of you may have good advice.
- •Last year I applied to grad schools and things fell throughI'm kinda glad in a way. I applied for medical anthropology programs which I do love and find incredibly interesting, but it's not what I want to do. I had given up my dream of studying forensic anthropology because I thought I wasn't good enough. I struggled with biology in college which upset me because I love biology and it made me lose all faith in myself and my ability to do anything that involved any biology.
- •Now I'm home and unemployedBeing home really sucks, but I've done a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my life. On the other hand it's also made me incredibly depressed (which I am continually ignoring) because I'm not where I originally planned and I feel like a failure.
- •I know now that what I want to do is forensic anthropologyIt's been my dream since I was in 8th grade. There are plenty of other things that I would like to do, but not as much as I want to do this. I keep going back even though it scares me because I'm afraid I'll be bad at it.
- •I really want to go to grad school but I don't know if I'm readyMy dream has always been to eventually get a Ph.D. I loved college but I'm at a point right now that I'm not doing that great mentally and I need to fix that first. This is incredibly hard for me to accept. Mostly because my mental illnesses have been getting in the way of my education forever and I'm tired of it.
- •I've started new applications for schools but I can't finish themI can't bring myself to write a personal statement because I always feel like I'm unqualified and will never get in which means I can't think of anything to write. I think the reluctance to finish them says something. Says I'm not ready.
- •I can't even email my professors for advice or recommendationsBelle and Alison have been so supportive of me the past 4 years. I can't email them because I'm afraid to disappoint them because of where I am now. I'm more afraid of disappointing them than I am of disappointing any of my family. Probably because I've opened up to them more than I've ever opened up to anyone in my family.
- •I think I should apply to school next year and get my mental health figured out and save moneyThe thought of living at home until the fall of 2017 makes me depressed and kinda like I want to die. I love my family but I HATE living at home. Since freshman year I've never been home for more than a month at a time. I've been home since August. I share a room here. I have zero privacy. There are 7 people living here. It's too much. I think it would be better if I had my own space, but I don't. I never minded sharing a room in college though. It's weird. I want to leave here everyday.
- •I need to get a job, but I don't think it's going to make living at home betterHaving a job will get me out of the house, but I feel like I will still despise being home. I still won't have my own space. I feel like I will still be used like the live-in nanny for my brothers when I don't work. This is basically what I do now is take care of them. I love them but a lot of the time I hate it. I want to be their sister not their third parent.
- •I also need to figure out my relationship statusMy girlfriend/fiancée/friend (don't really know what we are) and I live 3 hours from each other and haven't seen each other since August. We talk almost everyday, but she feels like we need to start over because it was falling a part. I blame this on my isolation from her because my spring semester and summer was rough. Thanks brain. She wants to work on it and I do too. I miss her and I love her but I don't know where we are at and I need to figure that out.
- •Anyways, I think I want to get my masters abroadWhen I was in Cork for a semester I had never been happier in my entire life. Maybe I'm chasing that feeling again. I don't know. I've been looking at schools in the UK. It would be a lot cheaper, I could finish in a year, and I can experience being abroad again. I want to do something for myself. I'm constantly thinking of others when making decisions.
- •I think I need to get away and be on my ownAlison told me that when I graduated I should get away from my family because it would be good for me. It's not like my family is bad or I have a shit life. They cause me a lot of stress and she knew that. I could get away in the US, but I think abroad would be better.
- •I don't want to wait, but I think I have toI don't want to accept this. Any of it. I don't want to accept I'm depressed, that I should wait for school, that I still have to live at home, and that the person I love lives 3 hours away.
- •I don't really know what to do and I haven't talked to anyone about this