My Darkest Moment ⚫️

Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. 1.
    It was the spring semester of my junior year of college
  2. 2.
    I had come home from my semester abroad in Ireland. I had such an amazing time there. My anxiety was at its lowest there. I expected everything to continue.
  3. 3.
    Everything was different and I had no idea how to cope.
    My grandpa died right before I left for Ireland and I just put the grief in a box and didn't deal with it while I was in Ireland. I went from little work in Ireland to 18 credits with endless work at Juniata. I felt left out because all my friends had a whole semester of memories and I wasn't in them.
  4. 4.
    I really don't remember most of this semester or how things really started to spiral out of control.
  5. 5.
    I was angry all the time
    Any little thing set me off. If the smallest thing didn't go my way I flipped out. I didn't know I had a midterm essay for my anthro class due the next day and I lost it. I tore up the syllabus. Contemplated lighting it on fire. I went and screamed at my girlfriend for no reason. It was about the essay and the entire dorm heard my freak out. I didn't care at all.
  6. 6.
    I punched the concrete wall multiple times
    I wanted to break my hand, but I could never bring myself to punch it hard enough.
  7. 7.
    Heather tried to help me as much as possible, but it was hard for her
    She tried to give me other things to do instead of punching walls and myself. She made me hold Popsicles because it would hurt, but I wasn't going to hurt myself. But I didn't have Popsicles all the time. She suggested snapping a rubber band on my wrist for a similar effect.
  8. 8.
    The rubber band thing worked at first and then it got completely out control
    So many rubber bands. I covered my body with bruises with them. I was angry at myself because I was loosing control. It was both a punishment because it hurt and I could see them. I also wanted to feel something else because I felt numb most of the time. Heather took all the rubber bands out of my room. I always found more.
  9. 9.
    My OCD was out of control
    Germs were at the forefront again. I stopped eating most of the time. I drank a lot of smoothies. My advisor Belle suggested that because at least it was something and I was actually drinking them. When it came to self harm I had to do it in 3 sets of three. So instead of doing one bruise I did nine. I was covered in them because of that.
  10. 10.
    I wanted to disappear. I was afraid of dying, but I didn't want to exist anymore. It was very confusing
    I thought about suicide often. I didn't want to die, but I was afraid that I was getting close to it.
  11. 11.
    I was trying to get help
    I went to therapy once a week. And I had scheduled an intake appointment for more therapy in town. But there of course there was like a 2 week wait. I went to a grief group once a week to try and cope with all of the feelings I was having over my grandpa's death.
  12. 12.
    I was getting worse day by day and help wasn't coming fast enough
  13. 13.
    One morning I just walked into Belle eating lunch in the workroom and I sat down burst into tears and showed her all my bruises.
    I didn't know what to do and she was the one person I trusted the most. We went to her office she called Pat, my counselor at the school, and I talked to her. I sat in her office and cried on her shoulder until Pat called back. Pat had arranged everything for me to go to the hospital. Public safety was taking me there, an RD would meet me there to sit with me, and the hospital knew I was coming.
  14. 14.
    There is nothing worse than being picked up by public safety in front of everyone, escorted to your dorm to get stuff, and then driven to the ER, and escorted into a private room with them while every patient in the ER waiting room stares at your special treatment.
  15. 15.
    I talked with a crisis counselor and two psych nurses. I called both my parents and told them I was checking myself into the hospital. I also texted Heather to tell her.
  16. 16.
    I was completely terrified, but the other patients were very kind. The one girl ordered pizza for everyone and invited me to have some.
  17. 17.
    That night Heather came and brought me a bag with clothes and books.
  18. 18.
    The next morning Pat came to visit me. I cried because I was scared and I was happy to see someone I knew and trusted.
  19. 19.
    Heather came that night alone to talk to me. She wanted me to focus on getting better and thought we should take a break.
    I was completely broken. I needed her the most and she left. She said she loved me. I was confused. It's a long story, but after she said she was sorry and realized she shouldn't have done it. And because she wasn't great mentally either and vulnerable my former friend Colleen told her a lot of shit about me and she believed it.
  20. 20.
    I spent six days in the behavioral health unit
    I went to everything they had planned for everyone. I took it very seriously. There were even moments when I laughed. I colored a lot in my free time. My mom and dad called everyday. Pat also called everyday to see how I was doing. I wrote a lot. They gave everyone a notebook. This is when I started journaling again.
  21. 21.
    I wasn't better when I got out. I knew more ways to cope. All I wanted to do was to leave the moment I got there. It was the longest 6 days of my life.
  22. 22.
    When I got out I knew things would be awkward, but I was ready to try and make things relatively normal again.
    That blew up in my face completely. I got back and I had no one.
  23. 23.
    I had exactly 4 friends when I returned
    Cassie and Abby were my only friends from before I went into the hospital that were there for me when I returned. The other two were Belle, my advisor, and Pat, my therapist. Cassie, Abby, and Belle took me to my therapy in town. They listened when I needed to talk. They pushed me to get better.
  24. 24.
    Colleen was my roommate and supposed best friend, but turned out to be an actual awful person
    She wrote me a long Facebook message about my mental health and the consequences to my actions, and the hell I put everyone through, and how I did nothing to help myself. I lived with her for the last month of school and she didn't say a single word to me. She would talk to Cassie like I wasn't there. All of my friends believed the shit she said. So no one talked to me because no one wanted to be shunned by Colleen like I was.
  25. 25.
    Colleen basically took advantage of what happened and made me seem like a bad person.
    Turns out she's a master manipulator. She took away my entire support system. No one talked to me. She made Heather believe that I didn't love her because if I did I wouldn't have done this. She told Meg to avoid me because I would put her through too much pain (Meg's best friend tried to commit suicide the previous year). Colleen is one of those people who walks into a room and everyone gets quiet so no one offends her or makes her angry. To be on Colleen's bad side is a living hell. I know.
  26. 26.
    Every single day the last month of my junior year I cried.
    I cried to Cassie and Abby. They were amazing and came to me when ever I needed. I called my mom every day. I cried to her a lot. I cried in therapy every week. I cried in Belle's office a couple of times. I cried in the assistant dean's office. I cried alone at night when Colleen was asleep.
  27. 27.
    I watched a lot of TV as a way to escape for awhile. This is why The X-Files means so much to me. If I needed to relax and get away Scully and Mulder took me there.
  28. 28.
    I made a lot of art
    Cassie and I spent our free time watching tv and "arting." It was relaxing and I got a lot of my emotions out via art.
  29. 29.
    I did work my ass off though
    I worked to be better, but I also tried my hardest to focus on my school work. This was very difficult. I wrote my papers, I did my presentations, I went to my labs, and I studied for my tests. I did skip most of my anatomy classes and some of my anthro classes. I got a D+ in my bio class, but I worked my ass of and tried for that class. I did what I needed to prepare for my senior year. I passed. I made it through those 18 credits.
  30. 30.
    A lot of that semester is still a blur. Sometimes I wish I remembered it and other times I hope I never do.
  31. 31.
    My senior year was different. Colleen had graduated and was gone. My friends were back and we made amends.
    Its been almost 2 years. I still hold a grudge against Colleen. I don't know how to move on. I'm still hurt by my friends, but they are here now and are better than ever. I'm terrified of having to be hospitalized again. The whole experience was quite traumatic for me and I'm trying to move on while keeping the lessons I learned.
  32. 32.
    I've had amazing and wonderful moments since then and I've had some awful, dark moments. All I can do is continue to move forward.