What My Ocd Is

For everyone who thinks its like an episode of Monk.
  1. Constant anxiety
    I am constantly anxious. There is something always on my mind that I'm worrying about. Whether it is big or small, there is guaranteed something that I cannot get out of my head and is causing me a lot of anxiety. I often wonder what it is like to not have something on my mind that worries me. What does that feel like? Are there people out there like that?
  2. Medication
    Without medication I would be spiraling out of control. I take Zoloft daily. I haven't found the perfect amount. I spent the first 4 years on the starting dose because I was afraid of upping the dosage. Now I'm more open and working on it. I also take Ativan for panic attacks or if I am so anxious I cannot cope. Making sure I take my medication is important. If I don't I get panic attacks, I can't get out of bed, and I do nothing. It's not a cure but it's incredibly important.
  3. Therapy
    I've been in and out of therapy. I spent a year seeing a therapist and living at home while all my friends were enjoying their freshman year of college. My therapist exposed me to the things that made me anxious and I sat through them until the anxiety began to lessen. I do this to myself now when I feel it's important. The 4 years of college I saw a counselor and talked. It helps to have someone to talk to. Now I need to find a new one. Finding a good therapist is incredibly important!
  4. Obsessive thoughts
    I have a lot of obsessive thoughts. Not all come with compulsions. I feel I'm not good at stuff or it won't be perfect so I don't do it. Or some things I feel if I don't do a certain way something bad will happen. I often don't know what the bad thing will be, but the sense of dread is overwhelming. I have a lot of self harming thoughts that constantly pop up at any time. It's distracting, depressing, and very difficult to deal with. It's like having a second voice that will not shut up.
  5. Compulsions
    I had a lot more compulsions in the past. I checked locks, I counted in groups of 3, I cleaned, I unplugged everything, and I washed my hands repeatedly. I lot of my compulsions are me not doing anything. My biggest fear is food making me sick. So I don't eat. Something isn't going to be perfect. I don't do it, or at least put it off and then do it poorly. It's easier for me to stop compulsions than it is for me to control and cope with obsessions.
  6. Procrastination
    I've gotten so worked up about things not being perfect or good enough that I physically cannot do them. I put them off as long as I can because I think I cannot do it and it will not be good enough. It causes me so much anxiety. I always do the task but it makes me feel like such a failure because I didn't have enough time and I knew I could do better, but the idea of it being perfect got in the way that I didn't even try. It can be a horrible cycle that I absolutely despise.
  7. Self-Doubt
    At times I can have very little self confidence. I constantly compare myself to others. I obsess over the fact that I am not as good as them. This leads to procrastination and hating myself. It leads to a lot of anxiety. I have dreams and goals and ideas that I can do all these things, but that intrusive thought is strong and paralyzing.
  8. Self-Hating
    Procrastination and self doubt makes me angry at myself a lot. I feel like I don't deserve things. I feel like I have no purpose. This has led to self harm. These feelings come in waves. Some days they are awful and other days they are nonexistent.
  9. Avoiding routine while trying to have stability
    I need stability in my life. It keeps me focused, calm, and it's normal. My problem is if I become to attached or focused on a routine it will become an obsession. Then I feel if I don't do it something bad will happen. This is the unknown bad with lots of dread. I constantly have to break routines and be incredibly aware of what I am doing. Falling into a cycle of obsession and compulsion is easy. Getting out is hard. I try to prevent it before it starts.
  10. A Part of Me
    My OCD is a part of me. I cannot change it. It will not go away. I cannot be cured. Some days this is easier to accept than others. It's a constant battle, but I am stronger than it. I conquer it everyday. I am more than my OCD.