What My Ocd Is
For everyone who thinks its like an episode of Monk.
- •Constant anxietyI am constantly anxious. There is something always on my mind that I'm worrying about. Whether it is big or small, there is guaranteed something that I cannot get out of my head and is causing me a lot of anxiety. I often wonder what it is like to not have something on my mind that worries me. What does that feel like? Are there people out there like that?
- •MedicationWithout medication I would be spiraling out of control. I take Zoloft daily. I haven't found the perfect amount. I spent the first 4 years on the starting dose because I was afraid of upping the dosage. Now I'm more open and working on it. I also take Ativan for panic attacks or if I am so anxious I cannot cope. Making sure I take my medication is important. If I don't I get panic attacks, I can't get out of bed, and I do nothing. It's not a cure but it's incredibly important.
- •TherapyI've been in and out of therapy. I spent a year seeing a therapist and living at home while all my friends were enjoying their freshman year of college. My therapist exposed me to the things that made me anxious and I sat through them until the anxiety began to lessen. I do this to myself now when I feel it's important. The 4 years of college I saw a counselor and talked. It helps to have someone to talk to. Now I need to find a new one. Finding a good therapist is incredibly important!
- •Obsessive thoughtsI have a lot of obsessive thoughts. Not all come with compulsions. I feel I'm not good at stuff or it won't be perfect so I don't do it. Or some things I feel if I don't do a certain way something bad will happen. I often don't know what the bad thing will be, but the sense of dread is overwhelming. I have a lot of self harming thoughts that constantly pop up at any time. It's distracting, depressing, and very difficult to deal with. It's like having a second voice that will not shut up.
- •CompulsionsI had a lot more compulsions in the past. I checked locks, I counted in groups of 3, I cleaned, I unplugged everything, and I washed my hands repeatedly. I lot of my compulsions are me not doing anything. My biggest fear is food making me sick. So I don't eat. Something isn't going to be perfect. I don't do it, or at least put it off and then do it poorly. It's easier for me to stop compulsions than it is for me to control and cope with obsessions.
- •ProcrastinationI've gotten so worked up about things not being perfect or good enough that I physically cannot do them. I put them off as long as I can because I think I cannot do it and it will not be good enough. It causes me so much anxiety. I always do the task but it makes me feel like such a failure because I didn't have enough time and I knew I could do better, but the idea of it being perfect got in the way that I didn't even try. It can be a horrible cycle that I absolutely despise.
- •Self-DoubtAt times I can have very little self confidence. I constantly compare myself to others. I obsess over the fact that I am not as good as them. This leads to procrastination and hating myself. It leads to a lot of anxiety. I have dreams and goals and ideas that I can do all these things, but that intrusive thought is strong and paralyzing.
- •Self-HatingProcrastination and self doubt makes me angry at myself a lot. I feel like I don't deserve things. I feel like I have no purpose. This has led to self harm. These feelings come in waves. Some days they are awful and other days they are nonexistent.
- •Avoiding routine while trying to have stabilityI need stability in my life. It keeps me focused, calm, and it's normal. My problem is if I become to attached or focused on a routine it will become an obsession. Then I feel if I don't do it something bad will happen. This is the unknown bad with lots of dread. I constantly have to break routines and be incredibly aware of what I am doing. Falling into a cycle of obsession and compulsion is easy. Getting out is hard. I try to prevent it before it starts.
- •A Part of MeMy OCD is a part of me. I cannot change it. It will not go away. I cannot be cured. Some days this is easier to accept than others. It's a constant battle, but I am stronger than it. I conquer it everyday. I am more than my OCD.