A LIST OF OFFENSES FOR WHICH CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IS MORE THAN SUITABLE

I'm not a violent person but there a few things that exacerbate my mental rage.
  1. Carrying on a delightful conversation with some pals while you unwittingly BLOCK A PUBLIC WALKWAY.
    Please kick your oxygen habit.
  2. Joyfully awaiting the toasting of a scrumptious bagel in the office kitchen in front of the toaster which means that you are BLOCKING EVERYONE'S ACCESS TO THE PLASTIC CUTLERY DRAWERS.
    Scoop out your own entrails with that plastic cutlery.
  3. Convivially chatting with an acquaintance on a stairway in a manner that NO ONE CAN ASCEND/DESCEND THE STAIRS.
    I will push you down said stairs.
  4. Cheerfully assessing your beverage options by navigating all over the Coke Freestyle machine while a line of MORE THAN ONE PERSON FORMS BEHIND THE ONLY DRINK DISPENSER AT THIS LOCATION.
    You're mother deserves to find your corpse in the ice reservoir.
  5. At a catered public event you lean into the unfamiliar salad to in order to SNIFF THE SALAD WITH YOUR FACE AN INCH AWAY FROM THE COMMON SPREAD.
    I will hold your head in the salad until the balsamic dressing bubbles stop forming.