Things I wish my imaginary friend could do

  1. Make balloon animals
  2. Face paint me into my daily spirit animal
  3. Curl My hair
    And make it last all day
  4. Get me to cleanse
  5. Soothsayer
  6. Introduce me to Mindy Kaling
  7. Introduce me to Brad Pitt circa 02
  8. Open this wine bottle
  9. Clean my house
  10. Botox injections
  11. Teach me to paddle board
  12. Make queso before I know I want it
    I always want it
  13. Turn on life music when something big is happening
  14. Make the Obama's my neighbors
    We would tell the best jokes while Michelle flexes and Barack and I smoke and drink beer
  15. Make pies like Sue and Andrew
  16. Read to me in the voice of Morgan Freeman
  17. Stroke my hair until I fall asleep