1. Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming (Onion, 2007)
    "On Mondays, Christ works his chest and biceps and completes three sets of 10 transfigurations."
  2. Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: "Sure, Who Cares." (Onion, 2013)
    "Before adjourning the court, Roberts said there would be no official opinion on the case because it's just 'common goddamn sense'."
  3. Why Paying For A College Education, Showing Up To Class Nude, Gyrating Against The Professor, And Getting Immediately Expelled May Not Be Worth What It Once Was (Onion, 2014)
    I've always felt that the article itself did not live up to the magnificence of the title, so I have chosen to not include a quote.
  4. LeBron James Should Not Have To Go To Jail For Losing The NBA Finals (Clickhole, 2014)
    "I'd go as far as to say it would be a vast overreach of the criminal justice system for us to imprison LeBron James."
  5. Can You Survive The Greay Journey Out West? (Clickhole, 2015)
    This was the first clickventure I experienced and it changed me.
  6. Everyone Likes Mayonnaise, But Nobody Likes My Grandson (Clickhole, 2015)
    This caused me to laugh at a very inappropriate time in my life.