WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN AMTRAK TRAIN IS ON TIME

This has never happened to me before so I fantasize about it a lot. Shoutout to @louisa_rd for reminding me to make lists.
  1. It all starts with the conductor making the announcement. "Folks, I just want to share that we've received some unexpected news. We have arrived at your destination at the scheduled time."
    Everyone looks around in shock at first. Someone starts a slow clap that gradually builds in both frequency and intensity.
  2. Balloons drop from the ceiling
    One per passenger.
  3. An Amtrak employee emerges and starts handing out limited edition Amtrak watches
    They're permanently set to commemorate the arrival time. Not much from a functional perspective but still a nice gift.
  4. As people are gathering their stuff to get off, the conductor gets back on the mic. "Just one last announcement before you all head out. President Barack Obama got word of tonight's events and would like to make a brief address."
    Obama's voice comes through the speakers. "Hello- I know you're all busy to get on your way - but I wanted to take a moment to relay my congratulations. Today, you have all become a part of history."
  5. The festivities add a lot of extra time so everyone ends up being late anyway
    Fuck Amtrak.