HOW TO GET RID OF CLINGY PEOPLE

Or just anyone in general. A step-by-step guide created by my brother. Warning: may cause emotional damage.
  1. 1.
    Ignore their texts.
    Leave your read receipts on at first, and if they keep texting you, turn them off. They'll enter a slight panic mode of "oh god I hope they're okay?!?!?!!"
  2. 2.
    Show up to the same public place as them and then actively avoid them.
    Make eye contact with them from across the mall/sporting event/any other public gathering. Then dash and let the cat-and-mouse game begin. They will know you are avoiding them. They should get the picture at this step, but if not continue on.
  3. 3.
    Go on social media and say how much you miss them and how much you with y'all could hang out.
    This may seem counter intuitive, but it will be complete and utter whiplash. They will be so upset/angry/confused with you that they will cease contacting you altogether. Mission accomplished (unless you have a Category 4 clingy friend in which case, proceed to the next step).
  4. 4.
    Apologize. Ask them to hang out, but never go through with it.
    Keep cancelling on them when the time to hang out comes. Always come up with excuses like "sorry, my mom won't let me," or "my dog is in hospital," or the classically vague "something came up." If they don't get the picture at this point, you gotta break out the big guns.
  5. 5.
    If they ask why you keep canceling, EXPLODE on them. Bring up everything wrong with them.
    This is quite possible the most emotionally damaging step of the whole process, so it's not for the faint of heart. Really unleash your fury on them, bringing up things from middle school and every single of their insecurities. If your apology from step 4 was 1 paragraph, your explosion here should be 5.
  6. 6.
    If they apologize, repeat step 1.
    If they still don't give up, move onto step 7.
  7. 7.
    Accept their apology and actually hang out with them.
    Bite the bullet on this one and finish it out with step 8.
  8. 8.
    When you're hanging out, say you see someone you haven't seen in a while and that you'll just be a minute while you go say hello to them. Don't return.
    This works a lot better if you're their ride.
  9. 9.
    If they still have an inexplainable desire to see you, nothing you can do will stop them. Consider changing your identity and moving.
    My heart goes out to you if you reach step 9.