THE SIX DUMPSTER FIRES THAT WILL BE A TRUMP PRESIDENCY
- •HEALTHCAREWithin the first sixteen months of Trump's presidency, the Affordable Care Act faced expedited repeal, subsequently replaced with TrumpCare Plus— a system of pog-like vouchers with "really classy" illustrations of ailments to be traded in for corresponding treatment. Much like pogs, some vouchers proved fairly difficult to collect, while other vouchers, despite their rife availability, were met with no actual cure for cancer.
- •VACCINESIntroduced as a reach-back amendment to the TrumpCare legislation— so affectionally nicknamed after what President Trump told an 11 year-old girl with measles— the "Don't Be a Pussy" rider effectively reduced the egregious $1225 vaccination cost per child to zero. The questionable correlation of vaccination to autism was in short celebration, as the proliferation of once eradicated diseases were quick to afflict 4 million American children. Trump responded, "get a voucher, the voucher works."
- •TRUMP WALLWith Mexico's refusal to pay $17 Billion for a concrete wall spanning its border, dangerously cost-effective materials were imposed on contractors, inciting early complaints of what was referred to as "pancake bater" cement. The year's end saw the great Trump Wall collapse, when its shallow base eroded under a week of light rain. Many residents living next to the wall in Laredo, Texas were injured. Meanwhile, illegal immigration continued through its usual channels of going around the wall.
- •GLOBAL WARMINGAfter the collapse of the Trump Wall, and the heavily criticized FEMA response, President Trump commented, "Who said global warming is real?! Phony-baloney, look at that! That's a lot of rain, folks. A lot of rain. And trust me, I know rain. And we're going to stop it from hurting any more people!" A special task force was created to tackle the War on Rain. In a matter of weeks, the average carbon footprint of American households rose by a factor of twelve with the mandatory "Tire Fire Friday."
- •CHINAWhile holding a White House press briefing to announce the Trump Tax— a hefty shipping tax set on American businesses employing overseas manufacturing, as a concerted effort to bring jobs back home— President Trump asked the press corps, "guess who I am? No really, guess." He then proceeded to pull the corners of his eyes with either thumb and spoke unrepeatable, culturally inflammatory gibberish, which pundits later agreed was, "super not cool" and "pretty racist but I kinda get what he meant."
- •KU KLUX KLAN FRIDAY'SFollowing President Trump's show of support for state laws protecting the religious rights of businesses, and the sanctioned refusal of goods and services to the gay and transgender communities, the Ku Klux Klan found enough fertile ground to open a chain-restaurant. Despite fervent protests calling for the shuttering of the white power themed eatery, some Yelp reviews touted the "grand wizard chicken wings" as actually not that bad. Vice President Emeril Lagasse was not available for comment.