1. When I was very little, my mom's Shoney's coworkers all told her I would grow up to be 'a real heartbreaker'
  2. In high school I had two friends, both girls. Closer to one and a half if I'm being honest
  3. My parents were not overly worried about this, because from the age 11 onward I finely honed the technique of telling them nothing about my personal life
    Why I did this is another list of reasons
  4. I went to college 8 hours away and told them even less
  5. Every time I went home for break, my mom would ask me if I had a boyfriend
  6. I was used to this from high school
  7. But as every year would pass the questioning would get a little more desperate
  8. "You know you can tell me. I won't tell your dad." 😏😏😏
  9. Please imagine your mom making that face at you
  10. I graduated college having no major boyfriends
    Unless you mean major JACKASSES haha
  11. On the last day of the last time I was home before I moved to Los Angeles my mom told me we were going to the supermarket around the corner
  12. I got in the car and she locked the doors and asked me if I had a boyfriend
  13. We drove past the supermarket
  14. The silence was more than deafening. It was worse than the car ride home after my dad and I saw Superbad in theaters together and we both had to pretend like neither of us knew what penises were
  15. I cracked open the window and wanted to stick my whole head outside like a golden retriever
  16. My mom yelled at me to close it so I did and then we merged onto the highway
  17. We got out at the next exit and pulled into the mall parking lot
  18. She bought me a pair of Uggs and we went home
  19. Then she cried when I packed my car up
  20. I never answered her question
  21. So what's the over/under on her thinking I'm a lesbian?
  22. I'm not, for the record. Not because I'm worried that you'll think I'm gay
  23. I'm just worried I was too good at not telling my parents anything and now it's too late for a meaningful relationship