THINGS I WANT TO TELL PEOPLE

  1. To the asshole who pulls out in front of me and continues doing 25 when I'm doing 60 to and from work:
    FUCK YOU. GET BENT. EAT SHIT.
  2. To the new coworker who called yoga and cardio "pussy shit" and won't stop bragging about how great he was at his last job
    1. Get bent 2. More cardio and flexibility for me 3. I squat your body weight 4. This is cold calling into a very saturated market is very different from door-to-door selling carpet, buckle up son 5. Make sure you can walk the walk before you talk the talk, especially once you've started pissing off the senior reps 🖕🏻
  3. To my mother
    Ma, I love you but you did some serious fuckin damage on me
  4. To my dad
    GO FIND HAPPINESS. Stop ruining my naïvety and let me chase my dreams. Also, I love you so much
  5. To my brother
    E I love you. Be safe, don't do drugs because you are so intelligent and funny and smart! You're my little brother but I look up to you so much. I think only the best things for you
  6. To my boyfriend
    I love you and I'm sorry I'm a 24 year old trying to figure it all out
  7. To my cat
    STOP MEOWING AT THE MOTH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WINDOW! Also, happy birthday you're 2!
  8. To my best friend
    Be safe, slow down. Don't forget to smell the roses while you're taking over the world. Also I love you.
  9. To my other best friend
    I miss you. Please wake up from this terrible relationship you're in. He's not worth it. You'll find better!
  10. To my grandpa
    I love you so much. I'm so sorry your soulmate died and you're now on the next adventure of your life alone. I miss you so much. I miss grandma so much.
  11. Cheeto Jesus
    How the fuck did you survive the Mexican Drug Cartel????
  12. Brock Turner
    I hope someone rips you a new asshole with a splintered cactus dildo and then breaks your nose. You fucking piece of shit
  13. The inventors of La Croix
    Marry me? 💍