WAYS TO LEAVE A SOCIAL SETTING WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING

Irish goodbye ain't got nothing on this 🙃
  1. When people start talking about previous drunken excursions
    Haha that's so great you can't remember ending up at the T.... Watch the conversation get deeper and slowly, veeeery slowly inch away until your far enough to break into a sprint right back to your sweet, sweet car.
  2. "Going to the bathroom"
    "Oh me, you know my weak bladder! Gotta break the seal!" By break the seal I mean leave you fuckin people and get home to my DAMN CHICKEN TENDERS"
  3. Awkwardly dancing off the dance floor at a bar
    Oh man I LOVE this damn song! This is my jam... Start wiggling ya way towards the edge and swiftly head for the door
  4. "Oh hey! I know that person!"
    Classic way to diffuse the awkward small talk. Or perfect way to deflect that guy/gal whose a little too drunk and a little too DTF for you. You "make eye contact" grab the shoulder of the person talking and say "I'm sorry this has been great, I just uh, ok bye"
  5. Drunk wanders
    This is one of my favorite ways to "goodbye" Step 1) drink excessively. Whiskey, tequila whatever ya fancy —pound it. Step 2) bounce around make a couple slightly questionable jokes. Step 3) suggest a bar crawl situation, when everyone has agreed move to Step 5) skip down the sidewalk while actually kind of stumbling and whipping your body around taking a turn down the incorrect street, order and uber and get home to that sweet, sweet Chinese takeout in the fridge.