1. "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did -- in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."
  2. "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
  3. "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
  4. "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'mankind.' Basically, it's made up of two separate words, 'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
  5. "It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."
  6. "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason."
  7. "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."
  8. "I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records."
  9. "I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children because I don't think children should be having sex."
  10. "I'll never forget the time we were at the beach and we buried Uncle Joe in the sand. Boy, did we get in trouble! In fact, we got arrested. It turns out you can't bury people at the beach. Only at the cemetery."
  11. "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'"
    Suggested by @theranman
  12. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
    My Facebook motto
    Suggested by @becktacular