YOU'RE JOKING: A RECAP OF THE NEVER ENDING JOURNEY FROM PDX TO LAX

I swear if I'm not in my bed by 1:30 am the world shall feel my wrath... Or something. Please note: all Alaska Airlines personnel were lovely. No hate for them.
  1. Woke up to snow. SNOW.
    It never snows in Portland. No one was even talking about snow yesterday. It's beautiful but I already see how this day is going to go.
  2. I'm not going to worry about it.
    Because 1. There's nothing I can do. 2. It always melts quickly anyway. 3. I'm going the fuck back to LA. I love PDX and my family but I need a routine and some space.
  3. It stops snowing.
    Perfect.
  4. Rain is now forecast for later in the day.
    Great! It'll melt everything. Wrong. Oh so wrong.
  5. Forecast of rain caused road condition panic.
  6. My dad suggests that we leave.... My flight isn't for 4.5 hours.
    But being the worrier that I am I go along with the plan and I'm at the airport 4 hours early. Fine. I buy myself a nice dinner and 2 glasses of wine. Because duh.
  7. Flight is delayed an hour.
    Because "traffic control at LAX feels like it" is the basic reason we are given. Really???
  8. I buy and consume lots of peppermint tea.
    Maybe this will make things better (spoiler alert: it doesn't. The only thing that fixes this is my bed)
  9. The delay is revised to 30 minutes
    Hooray!
  10. Then we are told it might be two or three hours. Who can say.
    WTF.
  11. Now we are boarding!
    Quit playing with my emotions!
  12. Aaaaaaaaand now we sit here for 30 minutes.
    Because: scheduling.
  13. We fly.
    Uneventful flight. I listen to podcasts and stare at the cities we fly over which look like bejeweled brooches in the darkness. Really. They do.
  14. We land! Hooray!
  15. We taxi.
    And taxi and taxi and taxi. Fuck LAX.
  16. We stop.
    Not at a gate. Not even close to a gate.
  17. We are here.
    That is to say: nowhere. Middle of the runway.
  18. We are told that there are 5 planes ahead of us.
  19. OH AND THERE IS AN OIL SPILL AT OUR GATE.
    Because obviously.
  20. They're trying to find us another gate.
    It has been 25 minutes since we landed.
  21. It has been 32 minutes since we landed and we are finally moving.
  22. We have stopped.
  23. Not at a gate.
  24. Here.
  25. It has now been 39 minutes since we landed.
    No further movement since minute 32. THIS IS TOO MUCH.
  26. It has been 53 minutes since we landed.
    The captain just came over and said we only have one more plane in our way before the gate. Hooray. I guess.
  27. SEATBELT SIGN IS OFF.
  28. LAX you're a fucking mess.
    Get it together.