Apparently naming your song "Heartbreaker" ensures you will have a terrible tune on your hands 😖
  1. Mariah Carey's
    By far the best. Also nicely showcases Mariah's stalker tendencies with use of "incessantly."
  2. Pat Benatar's
    Surprisingly catchy and, in retrospect, clearly the inspiration for En Vogue's "Don't Let Go" chorus.
  3. Led Zeppelin's
    Boring generic cock rock sorry 😬
    Pleasant enough but thoroughly mediocre.
  5. Dionne Harwick's
    So schmaltzy and not in a good way!
  6. Justin Bieber's
    Was feeling it until the beseeching, Boyz II Men-esque spoken-word interlude. "I'm under this umbrella and I'm calling your name"?? NO. You will never have Michael's rich baritone.
  7. Dolly Parton's
    I love Dolly, but this was flat-out awful.
  8. G-Dragon's
    Automatically dead last on account of the liberal use of auto-tune.