THINGS MY PARENTS HAVE MADE ME SWEAR I'LL NEVER DO

I am theoretically an adult.
  1. Meth
    Fair. Whenever any of my childhood friends hang out at my parents' house my mom still offers them homemade chocolate chip cookies if they'll promise not to do meth. So far it's worked well.
  2. Bring home a Republican
    It's unclear how they feel about me dating republicans and NOT bringing them home, but I have a feeling that's also verboten.
  3. Write a tell all book about our family
    Luckily, our family is deeply boring.
  4. Give out the secret family granola recipe.
    Not hard, because it's too secret for them to teach me. I assume I will be receiving it as my sole inheritance. I will listApp it immediately.
  5. Hitchhike
  6. Give up on my dreams
    Very sweet and supportive of them in theory. Slightly horrifying in reality.