1. Befriend new bodies of water
    The fountain in the courtyard has been calling to me all day, but I'm scared of all my neighbors. Is the LA river clean enough to swim in? Am I too old to jump in a stranger's pool? Where is the closest lake?
  2. Cry
    But not too hard, because then your tears and sweat will mingle and you'll just be damp, but still hot.
  3. Go in search of air conditioned spaces
    Work late. Go to too many movies. Spend exorbitant amounts of money on iced coffee in air conditioned white shops. Buy another iced coffee every hour and a half when the wifi runs out. Declare yourself financially irresponsible. Go to the library, bask in the air conditioning. Wonder how clean the chair you're sitting in is. Remember how cold the air you're sitting in is. Forget the dirty chair. Enjoy the air conditioning.
  4. Take long drives
    Take the long way everywhere. Your car is a chilly slice of heaven. The outside world is hot. Like hell.
  5. Buy a snow cone from the horde of children living down the street.
    Watch while a five year old digs around in a bin of slowly melting shaved ice with his grubby fingers. Watch him wipe his nose and ask his mom for help pouring in the raspberry flavoring. "How does it taste?" Cold, at least.
  6. Stop wearing clothes
    You're already too hot.
  7. Take cold showers
    Stay in until you're so cold you think you might stay that way. Emerge and count the seconds until you're hot again.
  8. Ice cream
  9. Focus enormous amounts of energy on the precise timing of window opening
    In the morning, when the air outside is too cool? Keep them closed all day, blinds down, to preserve any breath of cool air in the house? Open all day, fans chugging away, while you sit on the floor and wonder why you haven't just gone to Home Depot and bought an air conditioner.
  10. Sit on your front step in the sunshine with a book in your lap and feel the breeze and stop whining.
  11. Start sweating.
    Start whining.