STAND-UP JOKES I WROTE AFTER I QUIT STAND-UP

  1. I think my girlfriend used to be a crackhead because when she blows me she holds a lighter under my balls.
    I gave this to a friend of mine and it's the cleanest joke in his act.
  2. I'm a little nervous about the BP oil spill because President Obama is sending my mom to the Gulf on a fault-finding mission.
  3. You know you have a drinking problem if you've ever been woken up by a sprinkler.