You know how YouTube celebrities show you all the great things that can be found inside their handbag? Well this is like that except it's the junk in my ratty leather tote
  1. Wallet
    It contains a lot of coupons for Irish Museums and pizza place rewards cards
  2. Passport
    I lost my drivers license and I need alcohol to get through the day so
  3. "Fun Play" off-brand hand sanitizer
    The front of the bottle has a picture of a rabbit playing tennis and I have no idea where it came from
  4. A Mango-flavored Mexican candy that I'm afraid to eat
    Apparently there was a scandal last year about how this candy contains arsenic!!! How FUN
  5. A mini toothbrush and mini toothpaste
    You never know when a clean mouth might come in handy, am I right ladies? Plus all good things stain teeth: coffee, tea, red wine, aluminum foil...
  6. Pig Lighter
    The flame comes out of its nostrils
  7. "Please" Personal Lubricant Sampler Pack
    Gel, liquid, cream, *and* silicone? #blessed
  8. Cannabis-Infused chewing gum
    Yeah hi
  9. Meth informational pamphlet
    Yeah hi again
  10. Revlon Rum Raisin Lipstick
    Buy it try it get it done
  11. About 8 lipsticks that aren't Revlon Rum Raisin
    I pull
  12. Kitty Wink Powder Compact
    Our country goes to war over oil and so do I
  13. Body lotion decanted into a travel-size bottle of another body lotion
    Firming my ass (ha ha ha god please help me)
  14. A Zyrtec bottle with non-Zyrtec inside
    Empty Zyrtec bottles make great portable pill boxes when your actual pill box is 8x11.5 and unmovable and has push buttons for arthritic hands
  15. Deodorant
    I'm not a monster ok
  16. One Cod Liver Oil Capsule
    There is absolutely no justification for this