THE WORST GUYS I'VE HAD SEX WITH
Basically every dude I've banged, but here are the real gems.
- •The dude who lived in his 1986 Volvo station wagon and he broke up with meWe would ride bikes together. He was faster than me and would fart. I would catch the down wind of his gas.
- •The dude who had a portrait of his soon to be ex wife tattooed on his inner armHe once told me when I didn't want to give him a blow job: "you're not Mexican, you don't know what it's like to have a hard life."
- •The dude who answered his cell phone right before penetrationI later saw him at a metal show in Greenpoint and slapped him in his face for forgetting my name
- •The dude who took the whole BDSM subculture a little too far.I'm his sub, and not like sandwich.
- •The dude who started playing the ukulele after he finished.He put basketball pants on first
- •The dude who let his dog watch me sit on his faceA few years later, I did get to lick his face in public. Maybe he has a dog fetish I don't know about.
- •The dude who texted me "yo" at 6:30 am and expected me to answerI do have a "magic pussy," according to him.
- •The dude who responded when I said I had bad news: "what, are you pregnant?"I had my period
- •The dude who played Radiohead the whole time we banged.What is it, 1995?
- •The dude who vomited after I took my bra offWe didn't have sex
- •The dude who said "I really like grinding this way."He wasn't good at it.