Requested by Alissa

THE WORST GUYS I'VE HAD SEX WITH

Basically every dude I've banged, but here are the real gems.
  1. The dude who lived in his 1986 Volvo station wagon and he broke up with me
    We would ride bikes together. He was faster than me and would fart. I would catch the down wind of his gas.
  2. The dude who had a portrait of his soon to be ex wife tattooed on his inner arm
    He once told me when I didn't want to give him a blow job: "you're not Mexican, you don't know what it's like to have a hard life."
  3. The dude who answered his cell phone right before penetration
    I later saw him at a metal show in Greenpoint and slapped him in his face for forgetting my name
  4. The dude who took the whole BDSM subculture a little too far.
    I'm his sub, and not like sandwich.
  5. The dude who started playing the ukulele after he finished.
    He put basketball pants on first
  6. The dude who let his dog watch me sit on his face
    A few years later, I did get to lick his face in public. Maybe he has a dog fetish I don't know about.
  7. The dude who texted me "yo" at 6:30 am and expected me to answer
    I do have a "magic pussy," according to him.
  8. The dude who responded when I said I had bad news: "what, are you pregnant?"
    I had my period
  9. The dude who played Radiohead the whole time we banged.
    What is it, 1995?
  10. The dude who vomited after I took my bra off
    We didn't have sex
  11. The dude who said "I really like grinding this way."
    He wasn't good at it.