How My Body Reacts To Coffee

So many excretions :(
  1. Mad poops
    When I first started drinking coffee on the regular, I found that I had to poop a lot more frequently. As I worked on finishing an iced coffee, I would quickly begin to feel a burning sensation from my asshole. The coffee poops were violent, runny, and fiery.
  2. Hella vomit
    After chugging an iced coffee on an empty stomach, my stomach wants to upchuck everything I've ever eaten since the beginning of time. There are tears, shivers, excessive drool, and crying out for mom.
  3. Mad poops/hella vomit combo
    Two times the fun. If you're lucky, you'll have the urge to poop and barf AT THE SAME TIME. Happened recently. Had to pull over and unleash the fiery poops/hella puke in a McDonald's restroom. (I bought something prior, thus making it okay for me to excrete body fluids. #SheldonCoopertaughtme.) I was not messy.
  4. Emotions
    I'm already pretty sensitive, but holy moly coffee makes everything sting. Anger and sadness are magnified times 1000000. But you'd never know 'cause I hide it well. #deathissilent